Last night, in bed, my foot was itchy, and my husband used his toenails to scratch it. If that isn’t teamwork, I don’t know what is!

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 17, 2024

At this point, I’m starting to think my husband’s scream-sneezes are purposely malicious.

— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) October 18, 2024

He died doing what he loved: showing his wife how cold his hands were by putting them up her shirt.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 16, 2024

hey. i’m running to the store—is there anything you need that i can remember incorrectly or totally forget to get you?

-my husband

— SluttyNurseBrianCostume (@rn_murse) October 16, 2024

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) October 17, 2024

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 18, 2024

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 20, 2024

Ahh, the sweet smell of my husband finally letting me turn the heater on.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) October 16, 2024

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 15, 2024

At breakfast my son yelled at my daughter for chewing too loud and my daughter yelled at my son for breathing too loud. I sat back and smiled knowing they are prepared for their future marriages.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 17, 2024

Me: I've never loved something as much as I love you right now.

Husband: Aww, I love you, too.

*looks up from bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups*

Me: I'm sorry, did you say something?

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) October 18, 2024

I was enjoying building a Lego set with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he left for school an hour ago.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 17, 2024

I don’t mean to brag, but my husband knows not to tell any of his jokes before I’ve had coffee.

— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) October 17, 2024

The cleaning lady is coming today so my wife is vacuuming under the living room rug before she gets here.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 16, 2024

My husband after coming home and telling me crazy stories about work:
“And how was your day?”

Me: “Yeah, my day was crazy too. The Amazon driver delivered our packages next door again and then I had to call the gastroenterologist.”

— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) October 17, 2024

Wife: I don’t know if I want you coming to the pumpkin farm with us because it’s a little much with all the puns

Me: Hay! Oh my gourd! That’s not fair

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 16, 2024

My husband plays this fun game where he reminds me of the work that needs to be done when I’m taking a break from the work I’ve been doing.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 16, 2024

me: awww that cute little old guy over there is waving at us.

my wife: yeah, that's Doug from high school.

me: oh.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 19, 2024

I’ve been bugging my husband for a covered porch for years and now we have a covered porch so what the hell am I going to do with all this free time now?

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 19, 2024

Me: I’m gonna get a beer.
Wife: Stay there on the couch and watch football, I’ll get it for you.
Me:
Wife [returning with beer]: Are you…are you crying?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2024