When I tell my husband I need two minutes, I mean two football minutes—so, like, 20 minutes, a timeout, and maybe a snack break.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 23, 2024

My anniversary is in 9 days and my husband just said "I'm so glad we already figured out our anniversary gifts for each other" and, like, what??????? Did I miss a meeting???????

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 21, 2024

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 23, 2024

Wife: I know you mostly read gay books—

Me: Babe. Come on. I *only* read gay books.

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 22, 2024

BREAKING: Jeff Bezos has been dethroned as the second richest person on the planet, despite my wife's daily efforts to get him to #1.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 18, 2024

Husband said I should not buy mums this year because I kill them every year but what he doesn’t know is that THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) September 21, 2024

I made a photo album of all the pictures of grocery store items I've taken. It's for my wife and titled "You mean this?"

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 19, 2024

Pretty sure my son is wearing headphones all of the time now so that he has plausible deniability whenever he doesn't do something that I asked him to and I'm really annoyed that I hadn't thought of doing that earlier in my married life

— ????????♂️ ????Dad Moon Rising???? ????♂️???? (@raoulvilla) September 17, 2024

Regretfully, my truest nature comes out when I don’t think the covers are being shared equally

— redyellowgreendance ???????? (@RYGdance) September 24, 2024

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention.

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) September 19, 2024

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say "as your legal counsel" and then state my point. It hasn't worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I'll crack the code.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 23, 2024

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it's his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 19, 2024

Tried adopting a dog without telling my husband and then added “lives dangerously” to my resume.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) September 20, 2024

I walked into the house and my wife immediately goes, "A monkey slapped Moo Deng today!"

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 18, 2024

Why ride roller coasters when we can just sit in the car while my wife tries to parallel park.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 22, 2024

Wife: we’re just buying some bushes

Me: so

Wife: stop calling it a “hedge fund.”

— Adam (@YSylon) September 21, 2024

Wife: how do you plan on fixing the leak in the roof?

Me: first of all, thank you for your question. I’ll start by saying I was raised in a middle class family…

— Boog (@bewgtweets) September 19, 2024

“We have to tighten up our budget and get smarter with our money,”

I tell my wife while checking my phone at 11 PM to see if BYU is going to cover the last leg of my stupid parlay.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 22, 2024

Me: [Joking after we wake up]

Wife:

Me: [Joking]

Wife:

Me: [Joking]

Wife:

Me: [Joking]

Wife: Let me have my coffee in peace, Jesus Christ !

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 20, 2024

OMG! My wife did it again! She made cookies with raisins instead of chocolate chips. Who does something like this? So now I'm Googling divorce lawyers.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ has his memoir on pre-order (@WillieHandler) September 20, 2024