My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 2, 2024

There are people who think the sell by date means the item is still good after that date, and there are people who think it means you have to throw it away that day, and they marry each other and fight about it constantly.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 1, 2024

My mother-in-law gifted me a Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook and on a scale of 1 to 10 how passive aggressive is it if I re-gift it back to her?

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 3, 2024

All I Need Is A Miracle is my favorite song about carpooling to work with my wife and trying to be on time.

— ????????♂️ ????Dad Moon Rising???? ????♂️???? (@raoulvilla) September 2, 2024

my wife: if you were single I think you'd have trouble taking care of yourself.

me: well last time I was single I got you to sleep with me so I think I'd be alright.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 2, 2024

My husband immediately took the trash out when I asked him to and my 3 year old said, ‘I’m so proud of you for listening.’

Seems like my job here is done.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 31, 2024

Recently got the best drivers license photo of my life and I had to go and ruin it by getting married.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) August 30, 2024

My husband kindly bought an *electric drum set and uses headphones. So instead of middle school percussion class it just sounds like Noah is building an ark

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 29, 2024

I didn't even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2024

When my wife runs out of an item, she goes to her closet and opens it up and retrieves a brand new item. Shampoo, conditioner, face wash, toothpaste, lotion, you name it. It’s the most grown-up behavior I have ever consistently witnessed. She is never without any of her items!

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 2, 2024

Gave my husband a kiss and he yelled in pain as I’d also stood on his toe.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 3, 2024

Wife gave me my first parallel parking lesson and I only cried twice

— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky ???????????? (@DrSpooky_ER) August 27, 2024

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

— brent (@murrman5) August 27, 2024

Me: (calling my Wife from a grocer) I got bread, veggies... uh, I'm just now seeing they've got Halloween stuff up

Wife: it's not even September! That's upsetting!

Me:

Wife:

Me: Do you want me to bring you home a Reese's Pumpkin?

Wife: see if they've got a 6 pack of them

— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) August 27, 2024

MY DOG SNORING: awww look at the sleepy baby, probably chasing rabbits or running around the beach, my perfect little angel face I love you so

MY HUSBAND SNORING: this motherf…

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) August 27, 2024

If I think the outfit my wife’s wearing to work doesn’t match I can’t say anything, right?

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 3, 2024

A boy was looking at me so my wife said "maybe you look like a famous athlete," then the kid's mom said "sorry, he thinks you look like his uncle who died of a heart attack last week."

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 29, 2024

One of my husband's useless talents is pointing out every Tesla he sees on the road and telling me what model it is.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) August 29, 2024

My husband just asked my dad for book recommendations about Napoleon, thereby unlocking a new level of dadness

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 31, 2024

Here's a little song I wrote about my wife trying to get ready for work while my daughter is getting ready for school it's called "Two Women Screaming at Each Other in the Bathroom at 6 AM" and a one and a two

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 28, 2024