My toddler killed a spider and now I need to go grocery shopping to buy several pickle jars so that my wife will need me to open them for her and I can stay relevant.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 8, 2024

As a non-Midwesterner married to a Midwestern man I’m here to tell Kamala to make sure to budget in an extra hour to every meeting so Walz can say goodbye to people and then stand at the door of the Oval Office for 45 mins still making small talk.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 8, 2024

Why does my wife act surprised every year when football returns?

She’s always like “Oh, they’re doing that again?”

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 6, 2024

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, "I learned that I'm actually pretty athletic."

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 11, 2024

There are two kinds of people in this world, those who have vacation constipation, and those who have vacation diarrhea, and they marry each other

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 8, 2024

Gonna get wild with the wife tonight and do a 1000 piece cat puzzle

— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky ???????????? (@DrSpooky_ER) August 11, 2024

When I’m upset with my husband, I don’t yell anymore. I wake up before him and use his favorite mug for my coffee like a normal person.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) August 7, 2024

Sometimes, when I'm on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like "so, I've never dated a mom before"

— Robo Justin (now running Windows 95!) (@justinmatic5000) August 8, 2024

My husband thinks all the silverware should go in one big pile together instead of being separated by size and category. I really wish I had known this before we got married.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 12, 2024

I’m keeping the magic in my marriage by hiding all the Amazon boxes

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 6, 2024

Wife and I are watching Dexter and she’s scribbling in a notebook so I guess this is goodbye

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 11, 2024

My husband and I have finally reached a really important stage in our relationship*

*We've gotten to the "Zou Bisou Bisou" episode of our "Mad Men" rewatch (well, first watch for him)

— Ben Siemon (@BenjaminJS) August 8, 2024

My husband is going to the store to get "a few items" with our 7yo. I hope this stops him from asking me why I never want to take the kids with me when I go shopping from now on.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) August 11, 2024

Wife: Let’s review one more time- why are you going to Costco?

Me: To get bread & milk

Wife: Right, now go get bread & milk

Me: [brings home 58-inch TV]

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) August 11, 2024

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 7, 2024

We just left my family reunion and my husband said in such a chipper voice "I was really well behaved so we're gonna go ahead and stop to get me a treat on the way home." pic.twitter.com/3zk3BBR1tc

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 11, 2024

My wife went back to her school job today, and my kids’ school starts next week, so I’m 7 days away from experiencing silence for the first time since June

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) August 8, 2024

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 11, 2024

Me: Green light.

Husband: You don’t have to tell me when it’s green.

Me: *silent*

*car behind us honks*

Husband: Why didn’t you tell me it was green?

-Marriage

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 9, 2024

My husband is out of town, but don’t worry, my kid has standing in front of the kitchen drawers covered.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 8, 2024