Used my husband's body wash and forgot how to load the dishwasher.

— Tater ???????? (@TrueTorontoGirl) January 16, 2024

Five words that absolutely terrify my husband: “I'll go check for myself."

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 19, 2024

My wife will wait until the exact moment my ass makes contact with the couch to ask for a favor.

— Dad Named Matt ???????? (@mahnamematt) January 17, 2024

Every night when my husband gets home I ask him how his day at work went, as if I have any idea what he does.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) January 16, 2024

Husband: What did I tell you? I told you NOT to do that.

Cat:

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 18, 2024

Me [walking in]: It's cold out.

Wife: It's winter. That tends to happen every year around this time.

Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 18, 2024

Woke up to Cat Bane puking up a hairball and everyone jumped up to see what was happening.

Wife: What a nice family gathering.

— N.J. Gallegos is colder than a witch’s tit ❄️???? (@DrSpooky_ER) January 19, 2024

my husband won’t buy me more books for my birthday because i haven’t even read the ones he got me for christmas…clearly he never fantasized about being in a remote french castle with wall to ceiling books as a child

— That Mom Tho ???? (@mom_tho) January 16, 2024

True love is me texting my wife that I need a roll of toilet paper and her making me wait a ridiculous amount of time before she brings it.

— Dad Named Matt ???????? (@mahnamematt) January 20, 2024

Me to my 6yo when he’s leaving the house: “I love you. Have fun. Be a good boy.”

Me to my husband when he’s leaving the house: “I love you. Have fun. Be a good boy.”

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) January 19, 2024

Me whenever my husband stumbles in public https://t.co/MgCcmhn4DE

— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) January 19, 2024

If I had a nickel for every time my wife complained about the terrible drivers on the road, I'd have enough to cover the deductible for the fact that she's one of them.

— Schmuck On A Hot Tin Roof (@SchmuckOnAHorse) January 22, 2024

Marriage is just saying shit like, “you need to shower? I need to shower!” over and over until someone dies.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) January 21, 2024

My husband just walked into the house shouting "I've brought home an entire pecan pie" and this, my friends, is how you keep a marriage alive.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 18, 2024

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all week is we haven't had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 18, 2024

My wife told me she didn’t like Samantha Mumba’s song “Gotta Tell You”.

I’ve married a monster.

— N.J. Gallegos is colder than a witch’s tit ❄️???? (@DrSpooky_ER) January 19, 2024

My wife can't remember her password she created yesterday but remembers what I said on June 12, 2015 at 1:47PM.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 21, 2024