I still remember the phrases I heard as a kid that now echo in my mind every time I make — or avoid making — a financial decision. Phrases like “you need to make wise decisions with money” come back to me, especially in moments of doubt. I vividly recall my dad taking candy out of my hands at the store and placing it back on the shelf after saying those words.
Fast-forward to my first job. Ironically, I accumulated $10,000 in debt in just six months after studying finance. The inner voice that followed me through those decisions was critical, echoing how unwise and financially irresponsible I was. That’s when I started unpacking my relationship with money and learning about terms like financial shame, guilt and trauma.
Financial shame — the internalized belief that you’re “bad with money” or that financial mistakes reflect personal failure — often starts young. Well-meaning parents trying to teach lessons about money can unintentionally plant seeds of guilt or inadequacy. Research shows that the impact runs deep: A study from the University of Michigan found that children as young as 5 develop emotional reactions to spending and saving money, which can translate into real-life financial behaviors as they grow older.
Here are five common phrases parents might use, why they can unintentionally cause harm and how to reframe them to foster a healthier financial foundation for kids.
“Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to buy that?”
At first glance, this phrase seems harmless — a call for gratitude and appreciation. But this statement can plant the seeds of financial shame for children who aren’t developmentally equipped to grasp the complexities of financial stress. Kids may start to feel guilty about enjoying something their parents worked hard to provide.
“This, coupled with the pressure of also feeling responsible for their parents’ financial well-being, can further contribute to a child experiencing financial guilt and shame for circumstances outside of their control,” said Topsie VandenBosch, a therapist and financial coach. “When parents say this, they’re unintentionally burdening the child, making them feel as though they need to shoulder financial stress that isn’t theirs to carry.”
How to reframe it:
Provide context in a way that helps your child understand the value of what they’ve received without blaming them. For instance, if your child breaks a toy you worked hard to buy, you could say: “It’s OK that it broke, but it might take some time before we can get another one. Let’s figure out a plan together.” This shifts the focus from guilt to problem-solving.
“Why can’t you be more like (insert friend or sibling)? They don’t have such expensive hobbies or tastes.”
Many of us grew up being compared to others, whether to motivate us or to speed up compliance. However, these comparisons do more harm than good, especially when tied to money. “Any time you compare a child to their sibling, classmate or even a stranger, you are othering them and implying they are ‘less than’ in some way,” said Jessica and Brandon Norwood from “The Sugar Daddy Podcast.”
“Comparison rarely motivates a child in the way we hope it will. Instead, it creates resentment and a long-lasting tendency to measure their behavior and worth against others,” they added.
How to reframe it:
Focus on understanding your child’s hobbies and tastes instead of comparing them. For instance, you might say: “I see you love this (referring to the hobby). Let’s talk about why it’s important to you and how we can make it work together.” This encourages open communication and allows your child to feel valued for their unique interests.
“Stay in a child’s place.”
This phrase is often used to enforce boundaries and keep kids out of adult conversations, particularly about “grownup” topics like money. While the intent may be to shield them, it often backfires by creating the belief that finances are off-limits or something they aren’t capable of understanding.
“This phrase can shut kids out of important money conversations and make them feel that finances are ‘off-limits’ for them,” said Raquel Curtis, a financial educator known as “The Boujee Banker.” “When kids aren’t involved in conversations about money, they miss out on learning the basics of financial literacy, which can lead to struggles later in life.”
Curtis added: “It’s surprising how much kids can understand about money when we give them the opportunity to learn. Early conversations help them develop healthy financial behaviors they’ll carry into adulthood.”
How to reframe it:
Introduce your child to financial discussions through age-appropriate conversations. For example, start by setting up a regular “money date” with your child, where you discuss small money lessons, like saving or budgeting. Then, when a moment arises where you’d like to enforce boundaries, say: “That’s a great question! Let’s talk about it during our money date.” This keeps the conversation open and accessible while respecting the moment’s context.
“Don’t go asking for more. Be grateful for what you have.”
Gratitude is an essential value, but when used to shut down a child’s wants or needs, it can send the message that desiring more is inherently wrong. Over time, this can lead to a scarcity mindset, where children feel guilty for pursuing ambitions or celebrating their success.
When gratitude is tied to suppressing desires, children may struggle to differentiate between appreciating what they have and feeling undeserving of wanting more. This inner conflict can follow them into adulthood, affecting how they advocate for themselves or take risks.
How to reframe it:
Rather than dismissing their request, try saying: “We have so much to be grateful for, and it’s OK to want new things, too. Let’s talk about why and how we can make it happen.” This approach reinforces gratitude while empowering them to set and achieve goals.
“We can’t afford it. We’re not those people.”
I often work with people who have heard and experienced the lasting effects of this phrase, which may slip out in moments of frustration but can have a lasting impact. Saying “We’re not those people” creates a sense of “otherness” and implies that wealth — or even striving for it — isn’t for your family. It can limit a child’s perception of what’s possible for their future and instill feelings of inadequacy.
Additionally, saying “We can’t afford it,” without further explanation, can create unnecessary anxiety in children about their family’s financial situation, even if the family isn’t struggling.
How to reframe it:
Shift to a more intentional and empowering narrative. For example, you could say, “We’re choosing not to spend money on that right now because we’re prioritizing something else.” This teaches kids about priorities rather than limitations, giving them a healthier perspective on what will later be their basis for budgeting.