67% percent of parenting is just trying to keep a straight face when your child says something like, ‘mom, he hit me with his banana.’

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 6, 2023

Parenting is 30% love, 10% discipline, and 60% downloading horrible new apps from the school or camp

— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) June 3, 2024

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, "What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?" and fifty percent is asking "What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?"

— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) August 7, 2021

I’m no mathematician, but I can tell you that 75 percent of parenting is cleaning up cheese stick wrappers.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 16, 2021

50% of parenting is teaching your child that they can always trust you, and 50% is looking them dead in the eye and saying they can’t watch paw patrol because “the tv is broken until tomorrow”

— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) October 14, 2021

No one told me that 20% of parenting infants is performing musical numbers (both Broadway and improved). Really putting my theater kid chops to work ????

— Sky is AGENTED ✨ (@writtenbysky) June 10, 2023

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) May 18, 2022

At least 40% of parenting is handing children fruit

— Sarah Crook (@SarahRoseCrook) February 9, 2022

Parenting is 60% managing kids' social calendars, 20% speed eating in secret, 30% crying, also in secret, and 10% forgetting how to use math

— Helleanor Rigby (@Mom_Overboard) July 12, 2022

73 percent of parenting is hiding from your kids in the other room so you can eat a sleeve of Oreos in peace.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 7, 2021

40% of parenting small children is just saying “wow” and “cool” when you don’t mean it.

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 24, 2020

Seventy-five percent of parenting is just trying not to yell "FUCK!" too loudly when you step on your kids' toys.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 15, 2018

Approximately 80 percent of parenting toddlers is cooking breaded chicken dinosaurs and saying “be careful” 135 times a day.

— Joe Donatelli (@joedonatelli) May 11, 2019

I’ve often said — to great applause on this platform — that 60 percent of parenting is filling out forms. Today I can tell you the other 40 percent is continuously looking for, failing to locate and then replacing device chargers.

My parenting seminar is over. Good luck to all.

— Claude Brodesser-Akner (@ClaudeBrodesser) October 10, 2021

Parenting is 10 percent joy, 10 percent wonder, and 80 percent asking them to please put on their shoes already.

— Hans Noel (@ProfHansNoel) June 1, 2021

I swear like 20% of parenting is finding new and creative ways to convince kids that their dinner is not, in their words, disgusting.

— Michael D. A. Clarke (@MichaelDAClarke) June 15, 2024

89% of parenting is asking WHOSE WATER BOTTLE IS THIS

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 4, 2021

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

— Mommy Needs a Life (@momneedsalife3) July 30, 2022

Parenting is 90 percent figuring out who left the fridge open.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) December 8, 2019

75% of parenting is shouting, "Why is it sticky here?!"

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) January 18, 2023

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 23, 2023

Forty percent of parenting is pretending to be interested in really boring shit.

— Dennis DiClaudio (@dennisdiclaudio) December 7, 2019

Nobody tells you that fifty percent of parenting is just asking your kid to finish their yogurt over and over.

— Pamela Jakiela (@PJakiela) January 18, 2022

65% of parenting a toddler is walking 5 feet behind them like you’re the Secret Service walking behind the president.

— Dave Whiteside (@dave__whiteside) August 7, 2024

90 percent of parenting is pretending your kid isn’t shit at Mariokart

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 29, 2021

Parenting is 85% lack of sleep and 25% caffeine

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 9, 2021

Convinced that 30% of parenting is learning how to maintain a straight face for whatever quirky stuff your kid comes up with.

— Kelsey (@kelseyk) August 15, 2024

70% of parenting is telling your kids how smart they are when you know they'll touch the hot Mexican food plate every time.

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) May 27, 2022

50% of parenting girls involves them running away when you brush their hair

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 15, 2022

I didn't realise going in that 70 percent of parenting is trying to peel stickers off the floorboards.

— Ky (@MelbourneBitter) November 12, 2019

75% of parenting is just moving cups to out of reach places.

— Tad Carpenter (@TadCarpenter) April 21, 2022

Over 65% of parenting is just being upset about the time your kids wake up

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 12, 2020

80% of parenting young children is just being there for them. So they can hand you their garbage.

— Steve Patterson (not a parody)???????? (@patterballs) July 12, 2021

Parenting is 40% “will you please eat that” and 60% “STOP EATING THAT!”

— JON SCHABL (@JSchabl) August 20, 2021

Trying not to laugh and reinforce bad behavior is easily 80% of parenting. 20% is baseless claims about percentages.

— @dad_hard (@kunkelcomedy) April 11, 2024