Guinness smells like bread and regret had a baby.

— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) March 18, 2015

Me: I like Guinness

Somebody Who’s Had Guinness in Ireland: did you know it’s better in Ireland

— not brendan (@crocodilethumbs) August 20, 2020

Wife: What do you want to do for dinner?

Me: Authentic Irish cuisine.

Wife: Corned beef and cabbage?

Me: Guinness and Lucky Charms.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2017

Saint Patrick’s Day is named for Saint Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 17, 2011

Who has the Guinness World Record for drinking the most Guinness in the World

— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) April 25, 2013

Today I will be chugging Pepto-Bismol and Guinness because I'm a fucking multitasker.

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 17, 2012

Today is the only day of the year when it's socially acceptable to talk about your bathtub full of Guinness fantasy

— Just J (@junejuly12) March 17, 2015

Me: *putting Guinness in the fridge* Is there anyone who doesn't love St. Patrick's Day?

7-year-old: Snakes.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 15, 2018

Taking my 500 kids to Ireland for a couple days when I perform in Dublin. Any advice on kid related activities besides drinking Guinness?

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 9, 2014

Dear kids,

If you really want to catch a leprechaun you should probably leave out some Jameson and Guinness, instead of those chocolate coins your mom gave you.

Love,

Dad

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) March 16, 2019

My heart says drink gallons of Guinness and Jameson, but my DNA says sip Manischewitz wine and complain about cold eggs.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 17, 2019

after 4 glasses, I thought I'd finally developed a taste for Guinness beer & then my buddy told I'd just been drinking chocolate milk

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 7, 2016

Drunkard's rule #27 Blood is thicker than water, but Guinness is thicker than blood. Sip on that for awhile

— Jerrod Niemann (@jrodfromoz) March 27, 2015

If only Guinness wasn't disgusting

— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) March 17, 2014

Sadness is an Irish bar without Guinness

— Just J (@junejuly12) May 31, 2015

It's St. Patrick's Eve so remember to have the kids leave out some Guinness for the leprechaun so he doesn't eat them.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 16, 2019