Tucker Carlson, the former Fox News host and failed CIA applicant, recently interviewed Iranian president Masoud Pezeshkian, who insisted that his country "did not want to develop a nuclear weapon" and blamed the "false image" of Iran as a malicious terrorism sponsor on the "devilish machinations instigated by [Benjamin] Netanyahu and the Israeli regime."
As soon as we heard about the interview, the Washington Free Beacon contacted our operatives in Iran and requested to speak with President Pezeshkian ourselves. He eventually agreed. What follows is a lightly edited (and semi-professionally translated) transcript of our exclusive conversation.
Thank you for joining us, Mr. President. You must be thrilled to be alive, given the sudden but not entirely unexpected demise of your military comrades. How are you holding up?
Hi, dope to be with you. I'm hanging in there, praise be to Allah. The quality and consistency of my bowel movements has suffered, as you might expect, in light of the Israeli regime's conniving sneak attack on our nuclear weapons program. My dear friend, his excellency Ben Rhodes, has been reaching out to provide emotional support during these times, and vice versa.
Aww, that's very sweet of him. And sweet of you. Ben seems to be really struggling.
Yes, bless his heart. He's a sweetie. We exchange poetry from time to time. It's not all bad. Things are pretty great here, actually. As you know from CNN's intrepid reporting, the attack failed.
Nuclear weapons program? I thought you said Iran didn't have one.
No, I said nuclear energy program. One moment, please. I must have a gentle word with my translator to encourage compliance with government standards.
Hello? Are you still there? Is that a chainsaw?
Hey, buddy. We will continue this conversation with a replacement translator, if you don't mind. Apologies for the commotion, I am overseeing the construction of a new underground warhead facility.
Sure. When you say "warhead," are you referring to the missile component or the sour candy?
The sour candy, of course.
That makes sense.
Have you tried the Atomic Fizz?
No, but I'm a huge fan of their Ooze Chewz.
Yes, the sour ooze is truly divine.
Quick question. Can you explain why Iranian politicians and their supporters in the streets are constantly chanting "Death to America" and "Death to Israel"? What's up with that?
You are lacking crucial context. These chants, as you call them, are lyrical affirmations of Iran's commitment to human rights and peaceful coexistence.
Yeah, I don't know. Isn't that bullshit?
Not at all. The Persian language is very complex. Perhaps we are getting lost in translation, like the film with William Murray and the young lady. I don't remember her name.
Scarlett Johansson.
That's the one. Lovely tits.
Right. But let's go back to the original question. How are you promoting peaceful coexistence by burning American flags, promising to wipe Israel off the map, and financing terrorists who murder Americans and shoot up music festivals for fun? Isn't that what "Death to America" and "Death to Israel" means?
This is not a serious question. There was nothing fun about the Oct. 7 campaign of anti-colonial resistance. It was hard work. Iran had nothing to do with it. This absurd notion that we hate Israel and want to "kill the Jews," at least to the extent that they—as soulless demons— are capable of being killed, is an unfortunate example of how systemic Islamophobia has infected the West.
That's definitely bullshit.
Not at all. You accuse us of financing terrorists, of chanting "Death to America" and "Death to Israel." This simply does not happen in Iran.
You were just explaining that it does happen, but is actually a good thing because of all the nuance and complexity about peaceful coexistence. There are tons of videos on the internet. They chanted this at your swearing-in ceremony.
Fake.
Seriously?
Cheap fakes, as your media would say. Now let me ask you this question: What else is cheap? The greedy Jews. They can't be trusted—always scheming. They decide what the weather will be, but they keep it secret, you see? We have no animosity toward the Jews. We only wish to live in peace.
You have no animosity toward the Jews?
None whatsoever. We are not anti-Semitic. The Jew is our friend. You only think this is true because of cheap fakes and other Western propaganda. This creates a false image of Iran as an evil nation with nuclear ambitions. And who is responsible? The Jewish financiers who control your media and the Hollywood apparatus. They use their horns like antennas to manipulate global communication. We wish only to live in peace with the Jews.
But you still hate America, right?
Of course not. Your Ivy League universities are the envy of the world. Ben Rhodes is an American citizen, at least for now. His poems are structurally inept but overflow with emotion. The United States is a beautiful country that has allowed itself to be corrupted by nefarious Jews and their simpleton allies, the right-wing Ultra MAGA rednecks.
Sounds like you really don't like Jews. Are you sure you don't want to kill them all?
No, idiot. All I'm saying is that everyone would benefit if we just got rid of the people responsible for concocting this vile fake news about Iran.
And you don't want nuclear weapons?
Correct.
But one of the benefits of having nuclear weapons would be using them to kill all the people responsible for spreading lies about Iran's nuclear program?
Eliminate, not kill. But yes, that's right. Hypothetically.
Okay, thanks for your time.
Death to America.