There is growing pressure on Democrat Virginia Attorney General candidate Jay Jones to step down, after Jones’s 2022 texts were uncovered in which he fantasized about shooting political opponent Todd Gilbert in the head, and wished Gilbert’s toddler children would die in their mother’s arms. Jones has apologized for the texts and says he was obviously joking since nothing spells comedy like dead children. 

So far, Democrats are standing behind Jones, because it’s obviously much too dangerous to stand in front of him. The Democrats dismiss calls for Jones to quit the race, saying the pressure for his resignation is being manufactured by right-wing news outlets, partisan Republicans, Republicans in name only, Independents, people who vote Democrat because they haven’t realized yet what’s happened to the party, Europeans, Asians, South American cartel members in their rare moments of moral awareness, primitive indigenous peoples who have no clue what the hell is even happening, chimpanzees in zoos who’ve been taught enough sign language to recognize a dirtbag when they see one, and anyone else with an ounce of common decency. 

Abigail Spanberger, the Democrat’s candidate for Virginia governor, says she continues to back Jones 100% because to back him even 1% less would suggest she was nursing some flickering spark of conscience that might force her to change her party affiliation. In a speech to a group of anti-fascists and other fascists, Miss Spanberger said, “When I think of who should be the chief law officer of Virginia, I think of Jay Jones, a man who was once arrested for driving 116 miles an hour, and when he was sentenced to 500 hours of community service, he served every single hour of that sentence by claiming that working for his own political PAC was community service. So this is a man of integrity, although I really have to look that word up, because I’m not sure it means what I think it means.”

Tim Kaine is also throwing his support behind Jones. Kaine was himself the governor of Virginia and recently made headlines — and I’m not making this part up — Kaine made headlines when he declared that the idea that human rights come from God was “extremely troubling,” and sounded like the sort of thing people believed in theocratic tyrannies like Iran. When Kaine was told the idea came from yet another Virginia governor, Thomas Jefferson, Kaine said Jefferson should be impeached. When Kaine was told that Jefferson had died centuries ago and was, in fact, one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, Kaine broke down and admitted that he was a complete ignoramus and should not have any say at all in how America was governed and had therefore decided to become a U.S. Senator. 

In a speech to a meeting of anti-racists and other racists, Kaine said, “Jay Jones is a friend of mine and I know his heart. Yet, even so, I continue to support his candidacy for attorney general because the hunger for power has hollowed out my soul and left me with no moral compass whatsoever. And I think I speak for all morally hollow ignoramuses when I stand before you with this atrocious nonsense pouring out of my mouth while even I look on with a kind of fascinated horror at how deeply I degrade myself when I sacrifice every other value to my political ambition.” 

Now some of you may be asking yourself, why would the Democrats, a political party whose members share margaritas with wife-beating gangsters, tell the police not to come to the aid of federal law officers when they’re under mob attack, unleash hate on a conservative leader after his children have been orphaned by an assassin’s bullet, and pour into the street to support a terrorist attack that killed more Jews than any attack since the holocaust — why would the members of such a party stand behind a candidate who dreams of shooting his political opponent in the head and wishes the man’s children would die in their mother’s arms?

And if you are asking yourself that question, you might want to tell the zookeeper to teach you a little more sign language.

 * * *

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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