Q. I just asked my girlfriend to marry me. We’ve been together for three years and have lived together for two. I have a son from a previous relationship who absolutely adores my fiancé. He is 5, and his mother and I share equal custody. For some reason, my ex does not want our son to participate in the wedding. My son is very upset. I’m pushing to elope. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. There’s a lot going on here, so let’s take it one point at a time. Once again I must admit, I am reading between the lines.
I think you are telling me you did not marry your son’s mother, but you are going to marry your girlfriend — and that may be at the root of why your son’s mother does not want your son to participate in the wedding. I certainly cannot put words in her mouth, but it sounds to me like she feels like she had your child, but you’re marrying someone else — and to top it all off, your son “adores” your fiancé.
The only control his mom has at this point is to say he can’t participate. And your response is, “I’m pushing to elope,” which is avoiding the whole problem. The problem will still be here when you get back.
If a co-parenting relationship is to flourish, the ex-relationship must be left in the past. You must openly respect your child’s mother as your child’s mother. You are your child’s father. Your common ground is not your ex-relationship or all the years you spent together. Your common ground is your son. She must know in her heart that no one will take her place — and if you or your fiancé have made her feel like someone can, then I’m not surprised she’s digging in her heels.
My advice to you and your fiancé is to work on cultivating a more secure co-parenting relationship with your son’s mother. Because when she feels respected as his mom and not overlooked as an ex, she may not be as intimidated by you moving on, and your son participating in your wedding will become the natural order of things.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com/Tribune News Service