Q. I have lived alone since my husband’s passing six years ago. Over those six years, I have grown very close to my grandson who is now 7. When he sleeps over, he likes to sleep in my bed. I recently met a man who I care for very much and he occasionally sleeps over. My grandson has met him and seems to like him, but he has never slept over when my grandson stays at my home. I’m wondering when that would be appropriate. I worry about my grandson being jealous. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Sleeping together is a very intimate act and if you tell your grandson no only when your guy stays over, your grandson may automatically believe you like your “friend” more than him. Plus, without the proper preparation, it could put your grandson in direct competition with “your guy” and that could affect his relationship with both “your guy” and with you.

There are ways to guard against your jealousy concern, and it begins with making sure your grandson stays in his own bed when he is with you. If he has a nightmare, for example, and comes into your room, walk him back to his room and calm him there. Do this well before your guy starts to stay over. Then your grandson will be less likely to compare.

Now let’s talk about when it is appropriate for people to stay over when your kids or grandkids are present. The concern is not so much if the child will be jealous but what is the child’s perception of permanence. It will be helpful to set the stage by helping the child distinguish the difference between “your guy” or a “boyfriend”  and “family.” A boyfriend or girlfriend is casual. Move them in and out, and your child or grandchild will learn to not take relationships seriously. “Family” is more permanent. When you, or more importantly, your new person perceives themselves as family, that’s when you have both made the commitment, and you can begin the conversation about sleeping over when a child is present. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.” Tribune News Service