Q. My ex reminds me daily that I can’t do anything right, from paying child support on time (I’ve never been late) to how poorly I parent the kids when they are with me. She tells me about all the guys who want to be with her and how stupid I was for leaving. Every day she finds something else to complain at me about and it makes it very difficult to co-parent. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. She reminds you daily? I am of the mind that the only reason someone talks to someone every day is because they want to, so I’m guessing there’s more here than meets the eye.
If she’s finding reasons to talk to you every day — and puts you down while she’s doing it — I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still reeling from your breakup and wants your attention. I don’t know if she still has feelings for you, or it could be that she’s so angry, belittling you feels good. But, if communication is every day and always negative — and she’s telling you about others wanting her — my guess is that she is having difficulty moving on.
If you have recently met someone else, that is often the catalyst for a former partner to step up aggressive behavior. Someone new eliminates the possibility of reconciliation, and if that was secretly in the back of her mind, now everything you do is wrong.
So, what do you do? First, and this may sound ridiculous, be certain that you both want to make your breakup final. All that emotion is often just a cover-up for disappointment. Obviously, you will need the help of a therapist, and if there are children involved, possibly a co-parenting coach.
If all this is not a desire to reconcile, but unresolved anger, again professional help is the answer. Someone well-versed in mindful co-parenting can help you learn more effective ways to communicate with each other. But, you have to want to do it. I always say, “You don’t have to be a couple to raise your children together.” It starts with baby steps when this much anger is present.
“Put your children first.” That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.” /Tribune News Service