Q. My fiancé has a 2-year-old son and due to alternate work schedules, the child spends the days with my fiance and then nights with his mother. His ex-wife uses his mother as the main babysitter. Is it wrong of me to think that my fiancé’s ex should find her own support system? Grandma is my fiancé’s mother, not hers. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Grandma IS her support system. These parents are co-parenting the same child. Dad’s support system is in place and it’s working. Thank goodness mom, dad and grandma get that and put the child first! (Good ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1)
It may be difficult to understand, but extended family often remains “family” even after divorce. The problem here is that you are the new partner, and it probably feels foreign to you for dad’s side of the family to openly interact with the ex. Just remember that the common denominator is the child.
Some parenting plans do have a clause that states that both parents have the first right of refusal for child care. A designated amount of time, say three to four hours, is set and if the custodial parent needs help, he or she is obliged to call the other parent first. If the other parent declines, then they can call a babysitter of their choice. If mom and dad are making their decision in the best interest of their child, the consistency of being in grandma’s care is best.
Finally, reading between the lines, it sounds like this is more your problem than your fiancé’s. If you start meddling in a well-established agreement you may not get the results you expect. (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4, “Parents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.”)
The last person you want to alienate is your fiancé’s mother and life will be miserable if you alienate his child’s mother. If you want to continue in this relationship, join the party. Put your two cents in too soon and you will be undermining your future credibility. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.” /Tribune News Service