Q. Halloween is always a problem. I want the kids to be with me and their dad wants them to be with him. I keep trying to tell him that the kids want to trick-or-treat with their friends, not in a neighborhood 30 minutes away, but he says they have friends near him, too. It’s so frustrating! Their dad never listens to me. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Your point is well-taken—the kids probably do want to trick-or-treat with their friends, but are you sure dad does not have a point? Your comment, “he never listens to me” could be his battle cry, as well. Using a good ex-etiquette approach, let’s take a look where there might be a compromise. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10)

When there is a holiday like this, the school or the community often has a get-together in the neighborhood that does not fall on Halloween night, but the weekend prior. Would it be possible to assign Halloween to one parent each year while the other parent has the children the Friday or Saturday prior to Halloween  so they can attend the community festivities near that parent’s home?

This is the sort of idea collaborative co-parents consider when looking for solutions. They try to be equitable. They try to stay fair, and if they have to give up one evening so that their children’s holiday is not ruined, they make the compensation.

Stand back, remove your own self-interest and make the decision in the children’s best interest. If both parents truly do that, the decision will be easy because they are putting the children first (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1), not fighting for position or principle.

There is always a way to compromise if you put the children first. That’s good ex-etiquette.

(Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.” She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or jann@bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service)