With Mother’s Day here, all sorts of bonus mom articles and merchandise have been popping up all over the internet. This prompted me to Google the term — I was interested in what the results might say, since I made up the term over 35 years ago, and this contributed to a whole Bonus Families movement.
At that point, society was changing, and I was living in what is now accepted as a bonus family. It was obvious to me and so many others who felt the term “step” did not describe their family that we needed a new term that positively addressed the way we truly felt about each other.
“Bonus” became our word of choice.
But, doing my research online recently, I see the term has morphed into an incorrect assumption, and I would like to correct this once and for all. The common definition you find when you Google “bonus mom” is “a mom who didn’t birth the children that she is raising. This can be in the form of adoption or as parenting a child of a spouse.”
This is incorrect and misleading. Let me define “bonus” once and for all. Being “bonus” has NOTHING to do with adoption. This is an important clarification for all who have adopted and have been adopted. Once adopted, that’s legally mom and dad.
“Bonus,” in its true and correct definition, is a word used in lieu of “step.” When I started Bonus Families as a nonprofit organization in 1999, people were looking for help with co-parenting and joint custody.
Families needed a positive label, and I often received emails asking if the rules associated with being “bonus” applied to those who lived together but were not married.
My answer was always, “Of course.” Love and respect are at the root of being bonus, so that would also apply to those living as a family, but not officially married. “Bonus” is a positive catch-all word for family, and I thank all who use the term in a loving and respectful way.
With that, I respectfully wish you all, whether you are “Mom” or “Bonus Mom,” a Happy Mother’s Day.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service