The Patriots have hit “rock bottom” more times this season than Wile E. Coyote bouncing down a cliff.
They are not going to run out of “rocks” or “bottoms” any time soon.
Sunday, the Chargers zapped Zappe & Company in a 6-0 soulless loss. By now you know these Patriots are the first team since the mighty 1938 Chicago Cardinals to allow 10 points or fewer in three straight games only to lose all three.
Rock bottom?
Yes. For now.
But the Patriots are in line for a string of upcoming “rock bottoms” that could leave them so deep they’ll emerge in China.
Thursday, the Patriots visit Pittsburgh. This roster is so devoid of talent that the Amazon Prime hype slide last week featured an image of Bill Belichick as the most notable Patriot.
Sadly, neither Samuel Adams, Sam Adams, John Adams, nor Julius Adams is still with us. This nationally televised game is set to feature Zappe and Mitch Trubisky as the starting quarterbacks.
The points total for Thursday’s game as of this writing was 30. The number popped at 32.5 on
Sunday, only to be bet down to its current status. A close of 30 points would be the lowest such
over/under in an NFL game since the Supreme Court cleared the way for nationwide sports
betting in 2018.
It would tie for the lowest points total since the number was put on the Steelers-Bears on Dec. 11, 2005. The Steelers won that game 21-9 for a push on the total in the snow and wind of Pittsburgh.
A numerical “rock bottom” for those who enjoy wagering responsibly.
Zappe was the 50th different starting QB used this season in the NFL. That QB carousel is one major reason betting the under has been so profitable across the NFL this season. Unders are hitting at 57.3% clip through Week 13.
The Patriots and Steelers are doing their part. They are a combined 5-19 on the under this season. New England is 9-3 when it comes to games ending below the protected point total.
A Patriots loss or tie Thursday night mathematically eliminates New England from the playoff picture. The Patriots were theoretically from Super Bowl consideration when they opted not to sign Tom Brady for two years ahead of the 2019 season.
Even with a win on Thursday, the Patriots could also officially find themselves on the clock for the 2024 if one of the following occurs on Sunday:
— Bengals beat Colts
— Texans beat Jets
— Raiders bear Vikings AND Bills beat/tie Chiefs
— Raiders tie and Bills win
Study up. This will be a quiz at the end of this column.
Another “rock bottom.” But only a temporary one.
The Patriots’ Monday night game originally set for Dec. 18 was flexed back to the previous day at 1 p.m. This is the first season the NFL allows Monday night games to be flexed. And the Patriots hold the honor of being the first-ever team to be flexed out of that spot.
Think for a moment of just how unwatchable ESPN/ABC and the powers that be on Park Avenue
have deemed the Patriots. The sweet scent of Patrick Mahomes and the defending Super Bowl
champion Chiefs can no longer offset the stench that the Patriots bring to any TV audience.
Not even the potential presence of Taylor Swift cheering on her beau Travis Kelce from a luxury
box in “Foxy Foxboro” could keep this game in prime time.
Given the more-probable-than-not playoff elimination of the Patriots this week, that contest against the Chiefs could be the first game in the history of Gillette Stadium with fan(s) in attendance featuring a Patriots team mathematically out of the postseason picture.
The Patriots were eliminated before their final two home games in 2020, but those games were
devoid of an in-person viewing audience due to COVID-19.
But wait, there’s more.
In Week 16, the Patriots visit the Broncos in the Mile High City on Dec. 24 That game kicks off at 8:15 p.m. EST.
A snowy Christmas Eve at the foot of the Rockies. The perfect setting for another dysfunctional holiday season. Uncle Bobby will no doubt be fully lubricated and infuriated by halftime, having once again taken the Patriots and the points.
We’ll no longer need to imagine if Brady was never born. The Pottersville Patriots come complete with all the Ghosts of Christmas past. Ebenezer Belichick joins the notable list of Christmas grinches including Harry and Marv, Fulton Greenway, Scut Farkus, Heat Miser and Hans Gruber.
Look for the Bill O’Brien Chorus to perform a 60-minute version of “Silent Night.”
“Rock bottom” enough for you?
Not here. On New Year’s Eve, the Patriots visit Orchard Park, N.Y., to ring out the old year against the suddenly woeful Buffalo Bills. New England beat Buffalo 29-25 in Week 7. A repeat performance may well cost this team a shot at drafting the latest “can’t miss QB.”
Or prevent Belichick from trading that No. 2 or No. 3 overall pick for six third-rounders and the
long snapper from the Coast Guard Academy.
The season mercifully closes at home against the Jets on Jan. 7. By this time, Richard Todd may be quarterbacking the Jets. It’s now clear that Aaron Rodgers won’t be, despite his continued comeback push. Maura Healey needs to issue an executive order that bans children and pets from viewing in person or on TV.
This matchup may well drive secondary-market ticket prices into the single digits – another new low for the Robert Kraft-owned version of this franchise.
Patriots tickets for $1?
Now that’s a “rock bottom” for the ages.
Bill Speros (@RealOBF and @BillSperos on X) can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com