The Patriots got their midterm grades Wednesday.
Once again, Robert Kraft has landed on double-secret probation.
At least as far as the NFL players’ union is concerned.
The NFLPA Team Report Cards ranked the Patriots 31st out of 32 NFL teams. That’s a dip from No. 29 where the team stood a year ago.
The Patriots have become the NFL’s version of Delta House. The Deltas wreaked havoc on the campus of Faber College. The Patriots have become a doormat for the AFC East and the rest of their opponents.
And they continue to fail on the field, if not in the classroom.
We won’t call the Patriots “fat, drunk, and stupid.” But they continue to flounder in the post-Tom Brady Era.
Robert and Jonathan Kraft earned a “D” from their players. That ranked 29th among the league’s 32 owners. And behind the owners of the Cleveland Browns, Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars.
“Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House. 1.6; four C’s and an F. A fine example you set!”
Those were Dean Wormer’s words in “Animal House” when he informed Delta House President Robert Hoover of his midterm grades.
It’s clear Robert and Jonathan Kraft are not setting a fine example for their players.
They are slipping. They got a D+ last season.
At least they managed to (barely) stay above the Bluto line of “0.0.”
The Patriots report overview cites some progress made by the team. The Patriots broke ground on a new training facility adjacent to Gillette Stadium that is expected to open in 2026. The report also lauded the team for making “immediate improvement” when it came to the treatment of players’ families.
But the report zinged the Patriots and Kraft Family right where it hurts the most. Kraft’s “AirKraft 1” and “AirKraft 2” – a pair of Boeing 767s that are more than 30 years old – got wrecked.
The Patriots might as well be taking team flights on an overbooked Spirit Airlines 737.
“Team travel remains a significant concern – only 39% of players feel they have a comfortable amount of space on flights when traveling to games. The plane is dated – it lacks Wi-Fi and still has ashtrays in the seats,” the report said.
The pride of the Kraft Family Air Force has ashtrays but no Wi-Fi?
There was no mention if the Patriots planes have any “Airfones.” Just a few years ago, you could make a three-minute phone call to confirm your ride home from Logan Airport for just $14.99.
No doubt NFL team flights once upon a time offered a mix of free-flowing alcohol, uppers, downers, and fraternization with the all-female flight attendant crews.
Having “smoking” and “non-smoking” sections on airplanes was one of life’s all-time absurdities.
It was as if sitting eight feet away from my Dad torching a pack of unfiltered Camels in a sealed and pressurized aluminum tube flying at 35,000 feet to Disney World was going to keep my juvenile lungs safe from tuberculosis just because the sign behind him said “No Smoking.”
Smoking was mercifully banned on U.S. domestic flights 35 years ago Tuesday.
The Kraft Family has poured millions – into its stadium. The infamous Gillette lighthouse stands as a towering middle finger to fans who have not seen their team win a playoff game since 2019.
Some might consider it an overcompensation for Robert and Jonathan Kraft’s shortcomings elsewhere.
Team Kraft dropped $250 million on the north-end-zone video board that stands 370 feet by 60 feet. It’s the largest outdoor stadium HD video board in the United States. All to showcase a team that’s 8-26 over the past two seasons.
It’s hard to ponder the Patriots blowing $250 million on a giant TV set while they continue to get zinged for stuff like this:
“The Patriots rate the taste of their team’s food 7.19 out of 10, a ranking of 22 out of 32.
They rate the freshness of their food 7.61 out of 10, a ranking of 22 out of 32.
The players rate their dining area 7.18 out of 10, ranking it 28 out of 32.”
No free agent has ever opted to sign with a team based on the size of its lighthouse or video board. But everyone likes to eat.
The concerns addressed in the NFLPA survey can only be fixed by money, not mindset. The new training facility will boost these grades.
Remember, pro football is a business for owners and players.
Robert Kraft offers himself as everyone’s BFF. But that relationship only goes so far when it’s rooted in money, and not DNA, or romance. Kraft is not nearly as loved by his players as he would like to believe. And this survey again proves it.
Whatever willingness the Patriots have shown when it comes to spend on that new facility, scoreboards and the lighthouse, must carry over to the roster. Now. The Patriots have $128 million in salary cap space available. And fans are out of patience.
Mike Vrabel said the Patriots will be “hopefully aggressive” when it comes to free-agent spending. Vrabel can’t do any worse than Jerod Mayo, who infamously said it was time to “burn some cash” a year ago.
It’s time for the Patriots to fire up the cash-burning machine. On airplane Wi-Fi. Edible meals. And top-tier players.
Burn it all.
They’ve got plenty of ash trays.
Bill Speros (@BillSperos and @RealOBF on X) can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com