The Bruins have 60 wins.
They’re screwed. It’s O-V-A. Over.
Forget the Stanley Cup, they’ll be lucky to get past the Florida Panthers or Pittsburgh Pizzutis in the first round.
The 2023 Bruins are the 2007 Patriots, 1971 Bruins, and 2011 Red Sox all rolled into one.
Minus the chicken and beer.
The Sword of Damocles is a plastic spork in comparison to the Old Testament catastrophe that awaits this team.
With each victory, with each point, with each flirtation with history, or another record, their doom grows more certain.
Gas up the hearse.
Hades or bust!
Unfortunately, we don’t have a sarcasm font. Let’s be clear. None of the above is true. At least from this perspective. Absurdity, meet absurdity.
The Four Icemen of The Bruins Apocalypse, however, continue to ride daily.
We’ve long blown past the exit sign that read: “Enjoy The Ride — Next Right.”
The Bruins clinched their fourth Presidents’ Trophy, set a club record with 58 wins, and tied the club mark for most points in a season with a 2-1 win against Columbus Thursday at TD Garden.
How did they celebrate? Let’s check in with Patrice Bergeron: “Of course, you’re proud,” he said, before soon adding; “You have your eyes set on something bigger. We know there’s a lot of work in front of us.” They haven’t lost since.
The players acknowledge this at every opportunity. Don’t expect a jug of spiked Kool-Aid to be passed around the locker room if they don’t win it all, either. This stuff is a lot harder than it appears on your screen.
Boston has been caught in a Bear Trap. The more successful – and things have steadily improved since the Winter Classic – the greater the expectations.
Or demands.
Or fear.
The Bruins have won just one Stanley Cup in the past 51 years. If that doesn’t sober you up, it might be time to join AA. Would you rather they win 40 games instead of 60?
Cynicism remains an integral strand in our DNA. Our fathers, and their fathers before them, had been burned too many times by elevated expectations no matter the team or season. Much like opposable thumbs, this characteristic evolved from mere choice into a body part.
Our kids have mostly been spared that fate thanks to the “Score of Success ©” that dominated the first 20 years of this century.
The Bruins, however, remain in a 2003-like purgatory because of what happened or didn’t happen in 2019. That banner got away. A Game 7 loss at home to the St. Louis Blues, the same team forever bronzed by Bobby Orr in 1970.
Four years. Still stings.
Had the Bruins won Game 7 against the Blues, we would have been spared the malaise that has dented this joyride for the past seven months.
The Cup remains half empty.
It’s so bad that David Pastrnak’s pursuit of 60 goals has morphed into something akin to a war crime. Never mind his inability to get back on defense. Helping any player pursue an individual goal violates every rule of Hockeydom. Or so goes the screed. Wonder if those same rules apply in Foxboro as the Patriots prepare to sacrifice another season at the altar of Don Shula’s 347 wins.
Just wait until Pastrnak gets ripped for “making all that money but never being good enough to score 60 goals.”
Give it about 8 months.
The Bruins have five games remaining. They need three more wins and eight more points to set new NHL records in each category. They are the fourth NHL team with at least 60 victories in a season. Among the others, only the 1976-77 Canadiens (60 wins) won the Cup. The 1995-96 Red Wings (62) got iced in the Western Conference and the 2018-19 Lightning (62) were swept in Round 1.
Even the 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens (still the best single-season team of all time no matter what happens this spring) could not win the Stanley Cup in April. They did it on May 14 at the rodent-infested, obstructed-view laden, you-can-still-smell-the-cigarette-smoke, Boston Garden. The Habs closed out a four-game sweep with a 2-1 OT victory. Boston got outscored 16-6 in the series. The Green Line was still 38 minutes late after Game 4.
What could derail this Bruins train besides history?
Goaltending. The Bruins don’t have Tuukka Rask to kick around if they fizzle in the postseason. Jeremy Swayman and Linus Ullmark have combined for a 2.12 GAA and have collectively stopped 92.9% of opposing shots. Will they get the yips during the postseason? The playoffs can do strange things to goaltenders. In both directions.
Success. The Bruins haven’t faced serious pressure in months. Could they come out flat in the first round (see the 2018-19 Lightning)? Hard to envision given their experience.
Balance. Bergeron and Pastrnak always draw the iron of opposing defenses. Boston’s depth has powered this regular-season, 18-wheeler. Can it keep things rolling until Father’s Day? The last week or so should have calmed some nerves.
Speed and toughness. Or lack thereof. That’s Boston’s biggest tactical concern. Those shortcomings eventually doomed the Bruins 2019, along with Rask being Rask. The team has stacked its defense and forwards to be playoff-ready. Has Don Sweeney done enough this season to fix the potholes?
Injuries. The great unknown. The Bruins should be whole when the postseason begins. Bergeron should have his health back. The same holds for Taylor Hall.
The Road to the Stanley Cup is the toughest postseason grind in sport. As many as 28 games over four grueling series. Sixteen wins.
And they still shake hands when it’s over.
In the meantime, try not to give up before they do.
Bill Speros (@BillSperos & @RealOBF) can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com.