Jarren Duran dropping a homophobic “F-Bomb” live NESN wasn’t the worst thing to happen to the Red Sox this month.

That occurred in the standings.

Duran’s on-air slur, the subsequent nuclear fallout, his AI-generated apology, and the two-game suspension at the hands of the Red Sox will be spun into gold by the Netflix documentarians chronicling the “Season From Purgatory.”

Mediocrity has never been so compelling.

And while the 2024 Red Sox have provided plenty of golden moments for their fans and documentarians, their roster remains 87.3% pyrite.

That sulfide mineral is better known as “Fool’s Gold.”

The current Red Sox chemical analysis was confirmed by Houston’s weekend three-game sweep of Boston at Minute Maid North, known as Fenway Park when the Astros are not in town. The Astros, no doubt with the latest deception technology in tow, demolished the Red Sox. Houston’s lineup is stacked with legitimate major-league hitters. And the Astros pitching staff is able to throw strikes that don’t land on the Mass Pike.

Monday night’s walk-off win against Texas? Just another shiny glint from a bag of rocks that sells for $17.89 a pound on Amazon. The Rangers were nine games under .500 Tuesday. They won’t be repeating as World Series champions this year.

(Yes, you read that right. The Rangers won the 2023 World Series. You’re not alone. No one else remembers it, either.)

The 2024 Red Sox are a Ponzi scheme, wrapped by junk bonds, covered in 2008 mortgage-backed securities.

They are more crypt than crypto.

Speaking of crypts, John Henry left his and returned to Fenway Park on Monday. Nothing piques Henry’s interest in his baseball asset more than his own players or fans (allegedly) uttering slurs. Those three last place finishes in four years don’t even register.

The Red Sox surge before the All-Star Break turned out to be what investors and pollsters call a “dead cat bounce.” The Red Sox went 16-6 after falling below .500 on June 11.

The All-Star Break led to a sequel of the “Big Short.”

The market crashed virtually overnight.

Nothing better illustrates the “Fool’s Gold” 2024 Red Sox better than Duran’s Neanderthal actions.

On a day when the Red Sox honored Duran with the team’s “Heart and Hustle,” he turned Fenway Park into a sixth-grade playground. The award is bestowed on the player who “best embodies the values, spirit and traditions of the game.”

The rules of life are pretty simple. Among them: “Don’t curse out customers at work.” And: “Keep the slurs to yourself.”  Or at least confine them to the group chat with your four best friends from college.

Alex Cora has anointed Duran as the example for other players to follow in the clubhouse.

Monday, Sam Kennedy and Cora were left to do clean-up on aisle “Geico Caveman.”

Cora still believes in Duran’s leadership potential.

“I don’t think it compromises who he is in the clubhouse,” Cora said. “I think I’ve been talking about him as a leader, so if I consider him a leader, I don’t see him as a terrible leader. He just made a mistake.”

One downside of the Red Sox cutting their payroll by 30.6% in inflation-adjusted dollars since 2019 is that the team lacks a top-tier veteran who can police the clubhouse.

Boston needs an Alpha. Right now, the Red Sox roster is full of Betas, Gammas, Deltas and “Caritas.”

Sing it, Simon and Garfunkel:

(Insert Name Here), a lonely Red Sox Nation turns its eyes to you.

Woo. Woo. Woo.

Xander has up and gone away.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Since Duran won the Ted Williams Award for being the ASG MVP, Boston was 9-13 before its game Tuesday. Boston has been outscored 154-133 during that span. The Red Sox pitching staff has spun itself into giving up nine or more runs six times.

Perhaps Duran found his inner-Teddy Ballgame Sunday. Williams famously spat toward the Fenway Faithful in left field and again toward the press box during a 1-0 win over the Yankees on Aug. 7, 1956. Tom Yawkey fined Williams $5,000, 5% of his salary at the time.

The Red Sox just spit up against the best teams in the league.

The Red Sox are 13-21 (.382) against the six teams ahead of them in the American League overall standings. They are the Orioles, Yankees, Guardians, Twins, Royals, and Astros. Boston is a woeful 1-5 against the AL East-leading O’s.

The best the Red Sox can realistically hope for is either the second or third Wild Card. That means a short series with all three games being played at either Cleveland, Houston or Baltimore. (The best team in each league gets a first-round bye).

In 2024, Boston is 3-13 against those three teams. That’s also our prediction for the Patriots record on New Year’s Eve.

Translation: Boston’s baseball season will be over before Columbus/Indigenous People’s Day whether Boston clinches a Wild Card Spot or not.

Craig Breslow tried this offseason. But Lucas Giolito couldn’t survive his second spring training start. Trevor Story remains more fable than non-fiction. A shoulder injury in April short-circuited his hopes in 2024. Triston Casas lives in his own return Metaverse. He’s fast becoming a mix of Bill Lee and Manny Ramirez.

Talk of their possible return will undoubtedly rekindle hops of a playoff run.

But just remember, everything that glitters is not gold.

Especially at Fenway Park.

Bill Speros (@RealOBF and @BillSperos on X) can be reached at bsperos1@gmail.com