Q. I think my boyfriend is cheating. We dated for about three months and then he moved in. We’ve been together for about 6 months. A few months ago, he stopped coming home every night. When I ask him where he has been, he says he was drinking with friends and stayed at one of their homes. I think he should call me and I would come get him, but he just ignores the offer. He won’t admit it, but I think he’s staying with his ex because they have a child together. I’ve never met this child. I just know she’s 4 years old. Is there an ex-etiquette rule to cover this?
A. Good ex-etiquette rule #8, is “Be honest and straightforward.” It sounds like both of you are not being honest with one another, and you are not being honest with yourself.
You didn’t tell me how long your boyfriend was single before you started dating, but if it was less than a year, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is reconciliation in the air, especially if he has a child. You and your boyfriend moved pretty fast. That is of great concern and the first red flag.
If he is telling you the truth, however, that’s an even bigger red flag. It means he’s abusing alcohol if he’s getting so drunk on a regular basis that he can’t drive home. Along with that, he’s not telling you where he is, and he’s not letting you pick him up.
Plus, you’ve been together for six months, live together and you’ve never met his child. That could be because the parents are being cautious about introducing new people so soon after their breakup. Or, it could be that they haven’t broken up at all. You don’t know any of these answers and that’s the biggest red flag of all.
Ask yourself: If you could design the perfect relationship, would you design the one you have now? Probably not, so what would you change? Are any of these changes within your power? If the answer is no, consider walking away. If the answer is yes, consider if this is really the relationship you want or if you are just afraid he will leave.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.” /Tribune News Service