Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just difficult — it can be dangerous. One major complication is how frequently abusers control access to money, leaving their victims less likely to be able to afford legal assistance, new housing, therapy and other resources. This makes victims of abuse more likely to stay, no matter how emotionally ready they are to get out.
“We often talk about the emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse,” says Katie Ray-Jones, CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. “We don’t talk about how money is being used in the home.” According to Ray-Jones, financial abuse is present almost 98% of the time in abusive relationships.
Financial abuse can be sneaky, but here are some signs and behaviors to look for:
Seemingly simple tasks to separate your money and gain independence, such as opening your own bank account or credit card, could put you in danger because abusers tend to keep a close watch on their victims. If you show signs of preparing to leave, their behaviors may escalate.
Here are steps to take to protect yourself and prepare financially during this vulnerable time.
As you consider your exit strategy, you might be searching for online resources, a bank account or a credit card. And without proper precautions, your abuser will know exactly what you’re up to. “There’s lots of spyware that I think targets of abuse are ignorant to,” Godinez says. “If your spouse has any sort of access to your computer, don’t use it to get free [of them].” Experts suggest the following:
Abusers tend to isolate their victims from loved ones, but many people in your circle will want to help. Choose your allies carefully, though. Anyone who’s a mutual friend of your partner and yourself could potentially betray your trust. A loved one who’s morally opposed to divorce could counsel you to stay with your partner. Some might brush off your relationship as “not that bad.”
Turn to the people who recognize that your situation is serious and could be life-threatening. They’ll support you in every way possible. These people will be your lifeline.
With limited access to household money, it’s not easy to save up enough to leave. Experts suggest the following:
When an abuser controls the money, it’ll be easier for them to afford a top-notch attorney. Ray-Jones warns that this can work against you, especially if there’s a custody battle over kids. Documenting your partner’s behavior, along with getting your own lawyer ASAP, can help bolster your case. “The best way to handle that is you have to get a good attorney who understands how financial abusers work,” Godinez says.
The American Bar Association offers ways to obtain low-cost or free legal assistance. Local bar associations are also a resource.
Therapy for you and your kids can also be a huge help. Here are ways to access therapy when you can’t afford the cost.
It can take months, even years, of careful planning to reach a place where you feel confident in your decision to leave. But once you do leave, Ray-Jones says, it’s dangerous to go back to the home you shared to get anything you forgot. As best as you can, research helpful resources, save up money, and map out your next moves before your situation gets so bad that you must leave in a hurry.
“It is not going to be easy, I’m not going to lie to you,” Godinez says. “It’s going to be terrifying, but it’s worth it.”
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Sara Rathner writes for NerdWallet. Email: srathner@nerdwallet.com. Twitter: @sarakrathner.
The article How to Prepare Financially to Leave an Abusive Relationship originally appeared on NerdWallet.