Q. My husband recently died. We were married for almost 50 years. He was married prior to our life together and he always told me they divorced because she did not want children. We went on to have three wonderful daughters. His passing was expected, but a terrible blow. I recently received a letter from the funeral home saying that his ex-wife planted a tree in his name. She also wrote me a note acknowledging that “I gave him a life she could not give him” and offered what seemed to be her sincere condolences. What got me was when I saw her signature. Her last name was the same as mine! He was my husband. I was so incensed I bought five trees in his name! Now I feel silly. Was all this good ex-etiquette?
A. First, planting a tree in the name of a deceased friend or acquaintance is a lovely gesture. So, yes, that would be good ex-etiquette. I’m not sure the note was necessary, but reading between the lines, I believe she was trying to acknowledge your importance in his life. It sounds as if your perception was that she was trying to remind you of her importance in his life, but after 50 years together, three children, and what sounded like a happy life together, searching the backstory for her motivation seems like a waste of time.
How you are acting — or better said, reacting, is quite normal. Grief is a tough one — and our emotions when grieving can be unpredictable. You can feel sad, lonely, angry, even jealous, all at the same time — and it can feel overwhelming. Then you get a card from an ex-wife telling you she bought a tree in your husband’s name and out of the blue, you feel jealous and possibly a little resentment that he cared about someone before you so you want to retaliate. You one-up her and buy more trees than she bought. Grant yourself some grace.
The Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette offer a few rules to help you navigate your grief journey. Rules 5 and 6, remind us to “Not be spiteful or hold grudges,” two things you may want to remember when reading cards that conjure up unwanted emotions.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service