Q. My daughter tells me she doesn’t want to go back to her father’s house when her time with him is up. I told her father and he said that is exactly what she tells him (about going back to my house). I am confident my daughter wouldn’t lie about something like that. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. That your child tells you she doesn’t want to leave does not necessarily mean she prefers your home. It means exactly what she is telling you. She doesn’t want to leave — and she may very well be telling her father the same thing because she doesn’t want to leave him, either.
Your child may be torn between the two people she loves the most. When she’s settled in, she doesn’t want to pack up and go back to the other home. Consider that she’s not lying, and neither is her father. They are both telling the truth.
A poor response would be:
“You have to go, it’s a court order.” “The judge says you have to go.”
A child’s parents or other trusted caregivers are that child’s greatest source of security. If you tell a child that someone other than their parent can make decisions that trump their parents, you have just given up your personal parental power and your ability to guarantee your children feel safe and protected. Essentially, you told your child someone has more power than you over their welfare.
The correct response is to be empathetic but firm, and support the child’s time with their other parent: “Honey, this is your time with your father. He loves you and looks forward to seeing you.”
If a child truly likes it better at one home, it means you as co-parents are not on the same page. It could just be creature comforts. Maybe they like the TV in their room, or they get more screen time at mom’s house.
Whatever the reason is behind the sentiment, it’s time to stand back, take a look at what you are both doing, compare notes, and make the changes necessary for your child to be well adjusted in both homes. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service