Q. How do you tell someone who you have been terrible to that you want them back? Can you say you’re sorry enough when you have hurt them so badly, they tell you they never want to talk to you again? My temper got the best of me during an argument, and I pushed my fiancee to the floor. She got up and walked out the door. I want to tell her I’m sorry, but she won’t return my calls. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. What I hear in your email is that you may be right in the middle of what is referred to as the “cycle of violence.” There are stages: tension, incident, reconciliation and calm. Better explained, tension builds until there is a battering incident. In your case, “the push.” The perpetrator (you) expresses remorse. Sometimes the victim accepts the apology, or it could be that the victim is so afraid, they don’t know what to do but shove the incident under the rug, Then there is a honeymoon phase where the partners attempt to resume a calm relationship — only to start the cycle over again as tension in the relationship builds.
If you see yourself in this cycle, it’s time to get help.
It doesn’t sound like your fiancee has pressed charges, but she is well within her rights to do so and it’s imperative that you take this seriously and learn ways to control your stress and anger.
I have to say, I support her actions of leaving and not returning your calls. Until you get help, there’s a chance you may repeat the behavior.
Even if you and your fiancee do not work this out this time, you must take a proactive approach to addressing the possibility that you may resort to violence again. There are all sorts of programs available to help. I suspect you are going to counseling — if you are not, you should be — and a therapist can guide you to programs in your area.
The best thing you can do is have a concerted plan to address your behavior and responses and let her know you are taking a proactive approach. Don’t blow up her phone or email. She’s trying to take care of herself. You do the same. NOW. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.” Tribune News Service