Q. My ex and I have been apart for six years. Our son is 9 and we share his time equally. For years we got along OK, but her boyfriend moved in last year and now she tapes all the exchanges. It upsets our son, and it upsets me. Today I received a notification that she is taking me back to court to revise the parenting plan we have had for six years! I don’t know why. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. It’s not uncommon to revise a parenting plan after six years. But, you already have equal time with your child, so there must be a documented change of circumstances to merit any change.

You mentioned that your co-parent’s boyfriend moved in a year ago. That could be the catalyst for a desired change. He may have children, and they want to get all the kids on the same schedule. There are all sorts of reasons for something like this.

Good co-parents don’t drop bombs on each other. They reach out and solve problems together. They look for ways to make the transition from house to house as easy as possible on their child. They don’t drop the court bomb with no explanation. Court is the last resort when you can’t solve a problem on your own.

Parents who tape exchanges are usually looking for video proof that something is consistently wrong at the exchanges. However, it has been my experience that the court’s usual answer is not to adjust the parenting plan, but for the parents to adjust their attitude. Co-parenting counseling is often ordered.

Unless the video shows violence or consistent verbal abuse, taping exchanges is a waste of time. It sets up an adversarial interaction, undermines the co-parents’ trust in each other, and lets the children know how dysfunctional their parents really are.

So, all that said, the court appearance moving papers will tell you why your co-parent wants to make changes. Prior to going to court, may I suggest you do some research on co-parenting counseling to help you and your co-parent learn to address your problems without relying on the court. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service