Q. My ex and I were together for nine years. We had two children, now 6 and 8. I cheated on him. I met someone at work, and we started a relationship. I know it was wrong, but it happened, and I left. Since that day he has been completely irrational. He posts insane accusations on social media. He stalks me and waits outside my home. He tells our kids that I am an adulterer, which opens up a discussion I do not want to have with them. I realize I shouldn’t have done it, but he’s taking revenge to a whole new level. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. For the record, good ex-etiquette is “good behavior after divorce or separation.” Neither you or dad have practiced “good ex-etiquette.”
Your affair obviously devastated your ex, and he is no longer thinking clearly. Just as you didn’t think it through when you chose to have an affair, he is not thinking it through now. If he is truly waiting for you and stalking you, that is reason to get police involved. I am not condoning your actions and blaming this all on dad. I am telling you to be careful. Irrational behavior that is not stopped can often get worse.
Next, your children. Few understand the emotional fallout that an affair can have not just on their spouse, but on the kids and extended family, as well. In your case, if dad is saying anything negative to the kids, he’s wrong. He’s involving them in adult business, and they don’t have the emotional wherewithal to cope with all this. Their parents have split up. Their life will no longer be as they knew it, and dad’s words will not get the kids on his side.
A warning to anyone who uses social media to plead their case: Anything that is written from texting to email to Instagram posts is admissible in court as proof of badmouthing. Even if dad feels he is the victim in all this, lashing out at you on social media can affect how much time he might spend with the children. It would be more fitting for both of you to stop the vendetta, no matter who was right or wrong and put your children first. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service