Q. My ex feels he no longer has to coordinate anything with me because we are no longer together. He tells me our son is old enough to arrange things between the two of us. Jesse is 10 years old and is overwhelmed with trying to be our go-between. He cries when it’s time to go to his dad’s because he hates being in the middle. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Most of the time when I tell parents they are making their children into their messengers — and that this is not regarded as a positive observation — they deny they are doing it. They tell me they never say a bad thing about the other parent.
I honestly believe most have no idea how much pressure these three little words put on their children: “Tell your mother (or father).” If they do, it’s about the most cowardly thing a parent can do.
Understand that most kids wish their parents would reconcile and HATE when their parents argue. Children take it very personally when dad or mom says anything even a little derogatory about the other.
So, dad tells Jesse, “Tell your mother to be on time this weekend. She’s always late and I have things to do. Don’t forget.”
What does Jesse do? He knows that if he communicates the message just as dad said it, it will start a fight.
Either he doesn’t say a thing to mom. Or he decides to run defense because he doesn’t want his parents to fight. So, again he chooses to say nothing.
Or, two, he lies to mom. “Dad said he really wants to see you when you drop me off.” Jesse might say a host of things to buffer the message, none of which is the point dad wanted to convey.
Basically, the parents are teaching Jesse to be codependent (or run defense for them) and lie.
The easy fix would be for dad to tell mom himself, leaving Jesse out of it.
Dad has ways to convey his desire for mom to be on time without blaming her for past behaviors. Then, it’s Julie’s turn to cooperate — and both have kept the child out of it. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service