Q. My ex is suing me for full custody of our three kids. She says I am an incompetent parent and does not think I should have time with the kids alone. But, I was a stay-at-home dad before we broke up! How can she get away with something like this? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. When parents reach out with the same fears as you are expressing, the first thing I ask is, “Why do you think a court would make that decision?” Years ago, that might have been true, but years ago, most dads did not stay home with the kids. Now, it’s quite commonplace, and court decisions will probably be different.
It has been my experience that judges look at what is in the best interest of the children, and also what the children have been experiencing prior to court.

That means if you were a stay-at-home dad and spent most of the time with the kids, it would be improbable that you would receive no custody time at all. Consistency is important, especially in the times of a parental breakup. If you were the primary caregiver, the court is obliged to take that into consideration.

It’s more likely that mom is angry, and that’s when parents start threatening sole custody. However, in this day and age, I rarely see sole custody awarded to one parent unless there is a history that the children are not safe with the parent alone — for example, child protective services record document domestic violence, abuse, addiction or mental health concerns that are not being addressed.

So although you are frightened and hate that you are being threatened, if you and mom’s cases are presented honestly, the court will probably suggest an equitable parenting plan. The challenge is how you will live that parenting plan.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service