Q. I often hear, “Set clear boundaries” when co-parenting, but my co-parent just does what he wants and I am left frustrated and angry because he doesn’t listen to me. For example, he’s never on time. The court order says 10 a.m. on Saturdays. He rolls in at 10:30 and I’m sitting at Starbucks for a half hour with a crying 3-year-old. To make my point, I started to be late, too. It made no impact. When I mentioned it, he said, “Well, you’re late sometimes, too!” What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. A boundary is a limit that you set for acceptable behavior. But, if you are wishy-washy, that can be confusing and people don’t know what you expect. That’s where the term “blurry boundaries” comes from.
Your example of being late is a perfect illustration. Trying to get back at your co-parent by also being late just reinforced that being late is really of no consequence to you. You blurred the boundary when you, too, were late. By the way, Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rules No. 5 and 6 are, “Don’t be spiteful” and “Don’t hold grudges.” Revenge rarely sets the example you want.
Here are my suggestions:
- Identify your limits. What do you want? Consider what actions, behaviors, and situations you will accept and what you will not find acceptable.
- Put boundaries in place as soon as possible. If you wait or drag your feet, you will have to play catch-up. And once a boundary has been breached, it is difficult to be taken seriously.
- Be consistent. Once you’ve communicated your boundary, stick to it.
So, let’s say there was a boundary in place but a co-parent ignored it.
How do you get back on track? It will be helpful to use “I” statements to communicate your feelings.
“I feel (name the emotion) when (describe the action) because (describe why). I would like (name the corrected behavior).”
Be direct and stay calm. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.” /Tribune News Service