Q. My co-parent is a lost cause. They are a narcissist! I looked it up on the internet and they check all the boxes. They think they are perfect, always right, and try to manipulate me and the kids to get their own way. They act like they care, but they obviously don’t. They can’t be a good influence. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me their co-parent is a narcissist. It seems to be the current buzzword to explain an ex’s manipulative, grandiose, conceited behavior. But, just about everyone’s ex is difficult at the time of the breakup. Your ex probably feels the same way about you.
Because you find a former partner unpredictable, angry, manipulative and only seeing their point of view is not enough to pin a narcissistic diagnosis on them. Truth be told, according to recent studies only 1 or 2% of the U.S. population actually falls into that category. That’s one or two people out of 100. It’s more likely that they are manifesting narcissistic tendencies—and unfortunately, quite a few of our exes seem to fall into that category. The good news, if that is the case, is that when the breakup dust settles, both of you may calm down and settle into a cohesive co-parenting partnership. Co-parenting counseling will help.
Ultimately, what is best for your children is to put your own issues aside and come together in their name. Until that becomes a possibility, it’s all in the approach:
Be clear about your parenting expectations. A narcissist will push the limits you set
Limit communication to only what is necessary. Avoid emotional arguments.
Don’t let conversations spiral. You will never “prove your point” with a narcissist. Don’t try.
Document everything. It may be helpful to use a co-parenting app that records conversations and allows professionals to oversee your communication.
Never badmouth your co-parent. No matter how frustrated you are. It won’t help you and it will hurt your children. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families. www.bonusfamilies.com/Tribune News Service