Q. My husband is asking for a divorce and he is insisting we mediate.  I am nervous about the process. I don’t know anyone who has mediated, and I feel like I am better off having a lawyer in my corner especially because my husband has always controlled the finances.

Is mediation something I have to do if he wants it?  Can I protect myself if we mediate instead of hiring lawyers?

A. If you agree to mediate, you are not giving up your right to be represented by counsel during the divorce process.  In fact, many mediators recommend that the parties each retain lawyers to advise them on the side and review a draft agreement once an agreement is reached.  You should start off by finding a lawyer who is mediation-friendly.  By that I mean a lawyer who is willing to represent you while you navigate the mediation process from start to finish – someone who can pivot if mediation breaks down and assist in litigation, so you are considering the pros and cons of all options as the negotiations proceed.

Once you find a lawyer you are comfortable with, the lawyer can recommend mediators whose experience and process fit your situation.  Not all mediators are created equally – some are better at helping people navigate parenting issues while others are very talented and well versed in complex financial situations – some are retired judges, some are former litigators and some have never stepped inside a court room.

If you agree to mediate, you can still insist on seeing all of the finances and, in my experience, most mediators require the parties to exchange financial documents along with the court-required financial statement form.  You should do this early in the process so if you have questions about the documents, you will have plenty of time to discuss the questions with your lawyer.

Another thing you can do in mediation if you are feeling overwhelmed is to suggest involving your lawyers in the mediation sessions themselves.  Often times it can be incredibly reassuring to have your lawyer sit with you in the room during a mediation session.  This is especially true if there is a power imbalance in the relationship such yours.

Email questions to whickey@brickjones.com