Q: My husband’s sons live with us about 40% of the time and I have my three sons full time. My husband works in another city during the week, so it is sometimes only me and 5 boys. Now his ex says we need to have the kids 50/50 (and the kids want this as well), and even though my husband is out of town a lot, she still thinks it’s his responsibility to take the kids. In reality it will be me looking after them and I feel that I am doing as much as I can, so I have refused. Am I being unreasonable? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: I have said many times, if your partner has children, there is always a chance you will end up being a full-time bonus parent. Don’t be surprised if down the road that percentage gets even higher.
Looking outside the box for a solution, 10% is not much more time and may just mean dad’s weekends don’t end on Sunday but are extended to Monday morning to school. If that’s where the increase comes from and dad travels during the week, he could be home on Sunday evening and it won’t just be up to you to take care of all the kids.
Sounds to me like you all need to have an honest discussion as to what that 10% increase really means. It could end up being insignificant in the big picture — and it could not only make the weekend transition a little easier on the children, but take the burden from you, plus offer dad a little more quality time with the boys.
More importantly it’s time to take a hard look at your reasons for your refusal. If you are overwhelmed or feel you are being taken advantage of, don’t let that fester. Figure out the real reason and discuss it openly.
You are not the only parent in this scenario. There are three parent figures in your bonus family. Everyone should do their part, beginning with the bio parents. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 4, “Parents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.”) That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. /Tribune News Service