Q. After four years of helping to raise my bonusdaughter, today was the first time I heard the words, “You’re not my mother!” I was appalled. I know I’m not her mother, but I really wasn’t prepared for how hurt it would make me when she said it. I need a good comeback! What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. A comeback implies you are looking for the kind of response that will stop her in her tracks, and I think that may be missing the point.
Her words are a symptom, not the problem itself. Better communication and consistency will be more effective than a snappy reply.
The adults — and I mean all of them: mom, dad, and their partners — may be creating a problem without knowing it. It’s a classic communication breakdown, and the child is right in the middle.
Most of the time, “You’re not my parent!’ is a signal that:
- The bonusparent’s approach is too direct, or it’s too soon for the bonusparent to demonstrate authority.
- The child’s parent and bonusparent do not consistently uphold their house rules.
- The rules between the biological parents homes are inconsistent.
- All of the above.
Notice how none of the reasons listed reference the child. Of course, there are situations where this isn’t the case, but hopefully the following example will better explain my point.
Bonusparent and parent are both working parents. Dad has a 12-year-old daughter. The house rule is no eating in front of the TV, but dad is tired one night and lets his daughter have something to eat while she watches her favorite show. He gets an emergency work call and has to leave for a short time.
While he is away, the bonusparent comes home from work. Seeing the child eating in front of the TV, she chastises the child for breaking the house rules.
The child’s response? “You’re not my mother!”
All the parents must unite and be on the same page. No one said this was going to be easy. It’s hard work, but that’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. /Tribune News Service