Q. My son’s father has only come back into our son’s life in the last year. Our son likes to talk to his friends in a social media chat room site, but I do not want him online unmonitored. I believe he is too young and when he does go online, I require him to give me all his passwords so I can monitor his activity. His father allows him to go online at his home without monitoring. I have told his father I do not agree with this, but he says at his age, our son needs privacy. Our son is 11. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Eleven? Just about any professional — and any active parent — will tell you that 11 is far too young to be unmonitored on the internet. Aside from exposing them to potential dangers like inappropriate content, cyberbullying and online predators, children could unexpectedly offer private information to unknown sources.
It sounds to me that your son’s father is trying to be a friend, not a parent.
This often happens when one parent has more time with a child than the other. They believe being lenient will ensure their child will want to return and may eventually choose to be with them over their other parent. The problem is, this may work in their favor, but it’s not best for the child. Your child needs both parents working together in their name.
An 11-year-old child is not emotionally equipped to choose between their parents or the temptations of the internet. Both situations speak more to the parent’s insecurity than anything else. Putting a child first (the first rule of good ex-etiquette) does not mean let them do whatever they want. It means be unselfish, put them first, and coordinate efforts with your child’s other parent because your child’s welfare is far more important than any vendetta or power struggle.
When you don’t agree, good ex-etiquette suggests a planned conversation. Identify the problem and then come to the table with a solution. Be ready to compromise. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service