Are you a little sad that Canada won that hockey game the other night? Well, cheer up, friend: here are 21 things that America is way better at than our little brother up north:
Being warm: They are so bad at this.
Not electing women: Our track record is outstanding.
Overthrowing tyrannical governments: It's sort of our thing.
College football: It's embarrassing how much better we are.
Getting a tan: Do better, Canada.
Punching Canadians before hockey games: Admittedly we're new at this, but we're already better.
Garnering some sort of respect from other countries: Maybe don't put your police in furry red coats.
Remembering the Alamo: It's not even close.
Not killing off old, sick people: We are so much better at not smothering sick people with a pillow.
Rap music: Who's your best rapper, Avril Lavigne?
Being nice to straight-shooting psychologists who talk like Kermit the Frog: He's with us now.
Cooking tacos: And all Mexican foods.
Not speaking French: America is dominant at not speaking other languages.
Eating hot dogs: Not a single Canuck out there who can wolf down 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Sad!
Saying the word "about": Y'all are so bad at this.
Having homes that aren't made out of ice: We are so good at not living in igloos.
Owning guns: Don't mess with the champs.
Drinking maple syrup: Super Troopers is proof.
Having states instead of dumb provinces that no one knows: No one cares, Canada.
Beating up commies: Honestly, you should try it.
Hockey: We still won the aggregate 5-4. You silly Canucks.
See there, don't you feel better?
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