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The United States is a land of freedom — freedom of speech (unless you're in public), freedom of the press (unless you're conservative), and the freedom to bear arms (unless you're in New Mexico). Another bedrock here in America is the freedom of religion, where if you don't want to believe in the truth of Jesus, there are plenty of other options! Here we have collected the most up-to-date list of our country's ten most popular religions:
- True crime podcasts: The favored religion of literally every married white woman in the country.
- Pickleball: Adherents can be heard practicing their unbelievably loud sacred rituals at all hours of the night.
- Gluten-Freeism: A remarkably evangelical bunch, these believers are known for being easily-offended and chronically gassy.
- Swiftism: Devotees are willing to sell their homes, lose family members, and take extreme vows of poverty to worship a goddess known as Taylor Swift.
- Hating Donald Trump: Membership in this faith exploded shortly before 2016 and is currently experiencing a resurgence.
- Loving Donald Trump: Membership in this faith exploded shortly before 2016 and is currently experiencing a resurgence.
- Latvian Orthodox: Surprise! These guys are everywhere, just hiding in plain sight.
- Ukrainism: One of the more "hot" religions going today, this faith requires new converts to send all their money overseas.
- Fauci-ism: Though beginning to dwindle, this faith exploded in 2020, with followers known for keeping their faces permanently covered and injecting themselves with experimental chemicals. Weird!
- Pumpkin Spice: Oddly seasonal in nature, these disciples fill their homes with incense and infuse all of their foods and drinks in honor of the Great Pumpkin.
There you have it — a virtual cornucopia of religions sweeping through the United States. If only there were a faith centered on one, true, omnipotent Being that could take the place of everything on this list!
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Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!