The only color for decaffeinated coffee should be pink. Or maybe white for surrender. That means bags of beans in the store, cups at coffee shops, capsules in hotel rooms, and maybe even people who drink it! I think that should be considered in the halls of Congress, since they don't do anything else useful.

I almost made a cup of decaffeinated coffee yesterday, and I am still shaking with rage and indignation that I came so close to the destruction of all that I hold dear in the morning. I picked up the devil capsule, thinking that it was normal coffee, not some post-modern bastardization of one of the glories of civilization. Why would red mean decaf? But I checked, and there it was, in some horrid foreign language..."Decaffeinato," which means in Italian that we have failed as a country, and you can take our women.

I threw it down in disgust, although I probably should have stomped on it to destroy the evil humors.

What's next Italy? Caccio e Pepe with low-fat cheese?