"She's a tarantula-thrower, Jerry!"

"She's a what?"

"She throws tarantulas! She's a tarantula-thrower!"

Elaine: "She's a spider-slinger?"

"That's it! She's a spider-slinger! Spiders flying, tarantulas crawling! It's a real situation, Jerry! It's a hot spider mess! Ho-ho!"

She says that she subletted the basement of her home, which she was renting herself, to a woman for three weeks, so that the subletter could study for the bar.

But she says the woman then refused to leave after the contract expired. She calls the subletter a "squatter."

So she threw a tarantula at her.

Actually, she went out to a pet store and bought the tarantula, for the sole reason of intending to throw it at the unwanted subletter, who complained of a "spider infestation."

In the basement. Basements are spiders' natural habitat.

So she threw a tarantula at her.

Actually, she dumped the tarantula in her direction, but "threw a tarantula" is catchier .

This media article is biased against the woman, because apparently she's a Christian conservative.

But this is, as Jerry might say, objectively koo-koo.

A candidate for Hennepin County Commissioner is facing a misdemeanor assault charge after an alleged argument with her housemate.

Marissa Simonetti says she rented space to a local attorney who needed a quiet place to study for the California Bar Exam. However, the arrangement fell apart in less than three weeks.

There are questions about whether Simonetti should have been renting out space since she's not the homeowner. Regardless, the situation ended with Simonetti finding humor in the events, while Jackie Vasquez, her housemate, is definitely not laughing.

In the five-bedroom home, Simonetti was living upstairs, and Vasquez was staying on the lower level.

But on Friday, when things got heated, Vasquez started recording. Simonetti blasted loud Christian music, banged pots and pans, and screamed.

Then, she tossed a tarantula and various other items down the stairs -- a move she said was an ode to the movie "Home Alone".

"I mean, there is an element of humor to that movie, and at the end, what was I supposed to do?" Simonetti told FOX 9's Karen Scullin. "And at the end of the day, unhinged got her out of the house."

A self-described conservative candidate running on "family values" for a vacant Hennepin County Commissioner seat was arrested on abuse charges on Friday following an altercation between her and a roommate. FOX 9's Karen Scullin has a wide-ranging interview with candidate Marissa Simonetti, who ultimately says she still plans on running for the seat.

The battle apparently started because Vasquez was complaining of a "spider infestation."

Simonetti says the complaints were nonstop, finally asking Vasquez to leave, but she wouldn't. She claims that Vasquez then sent harassing messages.

"Perhaps I should have invited her up for tea and crumpets," Simonetti said in response to the escalating confrontation.

That guy is doing a full Destroy the Christian Invader deep dive into her past history.

Digging and digging. They seem to have found something here:

She's definitely kookie. This is her response:

Face 7, body 8. She's a nutter but I think she might just be ever-so-slightly over the right side of the Hot/Crazy matrix.

Even her mug shot is kind of hot.

This woman is nuttier than a Snickers bar.

But I think I can save her.

For fans of thiccer women, Simonetti has posted what she claims is some kind of burlesque/stripper dance video posted by... the squatter, a Ms. Jackie Vasquez.

Here that is. I don't know if it's actually the same Ms. Vasquez. I assume it is, because why else would Simonetti post it?

This story's got it all: Tarantulas, MILFs, politics, media bias, squatters, palpable "journalistic" hatred of all Christians, Christian Girls Gone Wild, BBW strippers studying to be lawyers...

Oh, and catfights.

Kramer slides in the door.

"C-c-catfights?!"

Prostitution is a dangerous way to make a living. Can't trust the judgement of a woman that would put her child's only caregiver in that type of risk.

Marisa Simonetti
@M_Simonetti28

And you're either out here slobbing on nobs for free or no one would touch you with a 10 foot pole. Jokes on you

It's a four-quadrant story. Dang, it's a nine-quadrant story. All nine of the four quadrants are covered.