The following is the last conversation between Vice Admiral Bertha “Big Bertha” (formerly Big Bert before her transition) Lamar-Jones, the Navy’s first Black Trans Flag officer, and her aide, Lieutenant Willard Smithers, as transcribed by her yeoman at the Navy DEI Office.
Big Bertha: Smithers, what’s this nonsense about SENAV (Secretary of the Navy) putting me on the weight control program?
Smithers: Ma’am, he is just complying with Secretary Hegseth’s directive to keep flag officers from being obese.
Big Bertha: I’m not obese, I’m merely thick
Smithers: With all due respect, Admiral, you are five-two and 230 pounds; that’s way over the limit.
Big Bertha: My husband, Jasmine, says I’m pleasingly plump. I was even heavier when I commanded the USNS Harvey Milk, and I did so without a single accident at sea or an engineering casualty.
Smithers: Again, with all due respect, the Milk was in dry dock during your entire command, and they had to grease the hatch to the bridge with Crisco to get you in. The Inspector General had a fit when he heard about it.
Big Bertha: If you remember, I filed a successful DEI complaint about him regarding body shaming, and the president backed me up. I made flag rank shortly thereafter.
Smithers: Yes, ma’am, but that was a different administration. I’m afraid I have some more bad news. You are scheduled to take an inventory PRT (Physical Readiness Test) tomorrow at 0600 as the first step in the weight control program.
Big Bertha: I have a busy schedule tomorrow. Why don’t you take it for me?
Smithers: I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way, ma’am. They will insist that you take it yourself.
Big Bertha: Exercise is dangerous for senior officers. The Commandant of the Marine Corps had a massive heart attack while jogging.
Smithers: Ma’am, it is part of Secretary Hegseth’s program to have more fit service personnel. I have more bad news. Your transfer orders came through. You are to command Naval Station Adak.
Big Bertha: Isn’t that in Alaska?
Smithers: Yes, ma’am.
Big Bertha: I’m the best DEI manager they have ever had. Why are they transferring me?
Smithers: Ma’am, this office has been abolished. Did you not read the memo I put in your in-basket?
Big Bertha: No, that’s what I have you for. You would think that they are trying to get rid of me.
Smithers: I can’t imagine why, ma’am.
Big Bertha: I really miss Joe Biden. At least he understood me.
Smithers: Ma’am, at the last Christmas reception, he mistook you for a waiter and ordered a drink from you, and one of his dogs mistook you for a fire hydrant. I had to take three trips to the dry cleaners to get the yellow stains out of your uniform.
Big Bertha: No, I mean, he understood and appreciated the contribution that Trans people make to national defense; this Trump fellow doesn’t seem to appreciate us at all.
Smithers: In fairness to him, ma’am, getting rid of people like you was one of his campaign promises.
Big Bertha: Well, I for one am going to wait him out. Even if I have to do it from Adak. OK, it is lunch time. I’ll need to conserve my strength. Be a good boy, Smithers, and run out and get me a couple of Big Macs.
Admiral Lamar-Jackson collapsed from a heart attack after waddling the first hundred yards of the 1.5-mile run/walk the next morning. She was evacuated in a double-wide ambulance to the Bethesda military hospital, where she will be medically retired when she recovers.
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Gary Anderson began his writing career as the humor/satire columnist for his high school and college newspapers.