It is quite likely that the UN secretary general has not read my book I Will Not Eat Crickets but, if he has, he certainly has not understood it. I devoted a whole chapter to laughing at him because he acts like a ghost from an ’80s movie: always trying to scare everyone, although in the end he only succeeds in provoking laughter. Once again, António Guterres has put on his white sheet and proceeded to the opening of the UN Summit of the Future being held these days in New York with a shiver-inducing speech.

“Uuuuuhhhuhuuu,” he said.

As this is a highly anticipated summit for all lovers of terror, the UN secretary general has taken great care, and has achieved something truly frightening in his speech. In fact, as I read it, the hairs on my legs stand on end: “Geo-political divisions keep deepening. The planet keeps heating. Wars rage with no clue how they will end. And nuclear posturing and new weapons cast a dark shadow. We are edging towards the unimaginable — a powder keg that risks engulfing the world.”

Well, it was not so unimaginable for Guterres, who has been announcing the end of the world for a decade. Otherwise, I saw him older, more bloated, perhaps overfed and not exactly on crickets, and it looked as though global warming was taking its toll on his flushed cheeks. Or maybe it’s just that the lunch after the arrival of the world leaders’ private jets got a bit out of hand. “Let us toast to global warming!”; “Let us toast to Agenda 2030”; “Let us toast to the idiot citizens who will pay us for the global apocalypse party!”; and “Waiter, bring us another bottle, we still have to toast Ukraine, Gaza, inequality in Africa, gonorrhea in Australian kangaroos, and home-brewed craft beer.”

For the rest of it, the verbiage of the Summit of the Future is too much like the verbiage of the Summit of the Past. Gustavo Petro, the president of Colombia, has come up with a very original idea, which no other communist has ever come up with before: “The richest 1 percent of humankind is responsible for climate change.” Impressive! I can imagine the CCP laughing their asses off and sending him another invitation to a free night of luxury and debauchery in Beijing. Safety tip, Petro: refuse Chinese electronic gifts.

The kind of politician who arouses admiration at the UN is Cyril Ramaphosa, president of South Africa. His speech is typical of what corrupt African millionaire politicians have been doing for decades: demanding more outside aid for poor Africans, while they continue to impoverish them from the inside. Even so, Western leaders continue to take the bait and are moved by the show.

Ramaphosa, who came to power to end corruption, engaged in the sale of animals while in office, and became famous in 2020 when $580,000 appeared hidden in the sofa of the residence of one of his farms. He, paraphrasing Bill Clinton at the Oval Office door, said something like, “It’s not what it looks like,” and since he is an African Marxist, he was exonerated of all charges of corruption and violations of the Constitution, and no one at the UN or anywhere else asked him to explain himself further. In his speech on Tuesday, he announced that he wants more “inclusion” on the UN Security Council: “Africa and its 1.4 billion people remain excluded from its key decision-making structures.” And, of course, he reserved some time to insult Israel. Too boring.

Jordan’s King Abdullah II, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, and Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez (Venezuela President Nicolás Maduro’s apprentice who is destroying my country) have also gone there to say that Israel is the devil and to denounce a genocide without a single word of affection for the families of the Israeli victims, the young women kidnapped, tortured, raped, murdered, and humiliated even after they were killed by Hamas rats on the infamous Oct. 7. Disgusting.

I am told that some grandfather named Joe Biden was there to tell stories about when he was in office. He didn’t say anything relevant, except that his administration had been a success. The joke is obvious. 

And from Brazil’s president, Luiz Lula da Silva, I was expecting a comment on corruption, or at least something interesting about the menu of the Curitiba prison where he was locked up, although he was treated like a king (he never stepped foot in a common cell), but lately he doesn’t feel like talking about anything important, so guess what he talked about. Indeed, climate change: “The planet is no longer waiting to demand payment for the next generation and is fed up with unfulfilled climate agreements — it is tired of neglected carbon reduction targets and financial aid to poor countries that do not arrive.” Okay, Lula: why don’t you tell this to your friends in the CCP?

And one more thing: why don’t we shut down this absurd and useless theater of the UN?

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