My fellow Armenians,
When I took office, I said I would not interfere with the Justice League’s ability to prosecute my political enemies. I kept my promise. But my son’s criminality is a different matter. Look, folks, I gave you my word as a Biden that my abject lying would never impact my role as a loving father. If you were in my shoes as vice president, you would use your senatorial powers to pardon a loved one who Donald Trump’s hooligans unfairly targeted.
I have not abused the power to pardon. And you, too, can have one.
Democrat politicians care about many things: shielding kids from gun violence, the right of adolescents to change genitalia, windmills. But we also abhor many things — chief among them tax-cheating millionaires and gun-law abusers. My son, Hunter, is none of those things because I pardoned him. But I didn’t just pardon his tax and gun crimes. I pardoned any crime he may or may not have committed, dating back 10 years when he wielded the Biden name to entice crooked governments to enrich our clan.
Now, leaving aside that it makes zero sense to pardon people for crimes they didn’t commit — which is like doing 500 sit-ups to burn off fat from a pizza you didn’t eat — the pardon power is absolute. And seeing that I’ll be puttering around the Oval Office for another few months, the pardon train is chugging into a few more stations. Woo! Woo!
Upcoming Pardons
I hereby pardon the following people, some of whom Hunter recommended because he’s the smartest guy I know:
Dr. Anthony Fauci, who graduated from the same medical school as my wife, Dr. Jill Biden™, and who knew full well that the computer virus escaped from a Chinese bioweapons lab. Do you honestly think a sloppily gutted tree sloth dangling in some filthy wet market killed millions of people? No sweat, Tony. I’ve got your back.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney. I don’t know when Dick grew blonde hair and transitioned into a woman, but to each his/her own. Dick did a great job hiding January...