The reversal last week by NBC News of its decision to hire former Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel as a political analyst took Republicans by surprise. However, in the wake of McDaniel’s firing, MSNBC host and Director of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion for the network Chris Hayes placed a job ad on Monster.com that suggests NBC’s efforts may continue to fall short of Republican expectations. It is reproduced below:
NBC seeks to hire a Republican political analyst to comment on NBC and MSNBC News programming and to fetch Chief Political Analyst Chuck Todd’s favorite scones every Sunday morning.
Educational requirements: a bachelor’s degree from an Ivy League university … Proof of having received at least 10 Covid-19 vaccinations.
Our news divisions welcome any Republican applicant who fits the criteria described below. Any Republican who worked and/or voted for Donald Trump or watched The Apprentice and enjoyed it need not apply.
NBC hires regardless of race, color, or sexual orientation and will adhere to its DEI recruiting standards. Still, we’re realistic and understand the ideal Republican candidate likely will be stereotypically white, chubby, and awkward (think Karl Rove or Sarah Huckabee Sanders minus the crazy).
NBC also hires regardless of religious creed, although the preferred candidate should be an avowed Catholic who hates Catholicism or whose piousness promotes progressivism (think David French of The New York Times). Even though we don’t count them under our DEI standards, Jewish Republicans who loathe Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and accuse Israel of genocide are welcome to apply.
The GOP commentator must hold the core conservative values of supporting abortion, mass amnesty, Keynesian economics, collectivism, high taxes, and men competing in women’s sports. A hatred of oil, coal, and U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is required.
To discuss how Republicans can win elections, the candidate should have recently lost political office, been a part of a losing campaign, or been fired from or formerly led a failing Republican political organization (except for Ronna “Romney” McDaniel — oh, the horror). Having worked for former presidential candidates John McCain and/or Mitt Romney is preferred but not required.
NBC has desperately tried hiring Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger. However, CNN scooped up Kinzinger, and Cheney still hasn’t forgiven Lawrence O’Donnell for dressing up as her for NBC’s 2019 Halloween costume party.
The GOP candidate should be able to denigrate former Presidents George W. Bush and (especially) Trump while just as quickly praising President Joe Biden’s domestic and foreign policy achievements, such as securing America’s southern border from Texans seeking to protect it. The candidate also should support Biden’s effort to ensure Israel does not defeat Hamas in a way that would jeopardize Michigan’s electoral votes.
The applicant must, with a straight face, be able to call Trump a vicious antisemite while simultaneously sitting on the same set with the Rev. Al Sharpton.
The candidate must accept being subjugated and despised by most NBC/MSNBC staffers (e.g., mindlessly agreeing with Joy Reid over whoever or whatever she says is racist that day, being available 24/7 to clean Joe Scarborough’s smart-people glasses, sweeping up Jen Psaki’s skin after she sheds it).
Qualified GOP candidates should view working for NBC News the same way the Loyalists viewed working for the British Empire during the American Revolution because that is how seditious Republicans will view them.
Ignoring reality is essential at NBC News. Biden’s rapidly declining mental faculties will require the applicant to dismiss concerns about it as ageism or that it’s perfectly normal for all mentally spry octogenarians to repeatedly fall down Air Force One’s stairs. Similarly, the analyst must believe that a man can become a woman and vice-versa, and to suggest otherwise is hateful and defies logic and science.
The Republican candidate must label anyone who even slightly questions the 2020 election result as a fascistic election denier. Similarly, the candidate also must solemnly observe January 6, 2021, as a day worse than September 11, the Attack on Pearl Harbor, and JFK’s assassination combined. Common phrases expected to be spoken around the office include: “Democracy is in danger,” “What would Barack do?” and “Lock up the gin, Chris Matthews is here.”
Handling unpredictability during the 2024 Presidential Election cycle is critical. For instance, the Republican analyst must declare that Donald Trump would be the most dangerous man ever elected president. However, should Trump somehow not be the nominee and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis be the candidate, then the analyst must aver that DeSantis would be even worse than Trump if elected.
Qualities NBC News does not seek: Sanctimony. Nicolle Wallace won’t allow its transmission over NBC News’s sacred airways. Lying also won’t be tolerated. The candidate will have his/her comments preapproved by Rachel Maddow to ensure they align with the truth.
Educational requirements: a bachelor’s degree from an Ivy League university. A law degree is preferred, mainly if the candidate’s mentors include Laurence Tribe, J. Michael Luttig, or Letitia James.
Proof of having received at least 10 Covid-19 vaccinations is required.
At least three references, all of whom must be registered Democrats or members of the Lincoln Project, should be submitted to Mika Brzezinski, who really wants NBC News to hire a conservative Republican.
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