Mountaineering is a very healthy activity for all of my friends. I know many mountaineers and often, when I have time to spare, I love to pass by the hospital and say hello to them. They always tell me such exciting stories. At least until the nurse arrives and takes them to the operating room for another broken ankle operation. (READ MORE: The White House’s White Powder Has Turned Black).
Let’s go over the essentials of climbing a mountain in this brief guide.
What’s at the Top?
Moses came down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments on tablets. But I think that was an exception. No one has ever come down from the top of a mountain with anything truly interesting, with the exception of the occasional exotic bite. Yet we keep climbing mountains as if they weren’t going to be there tomorrow.
It is impossible not to wonder what all those thousands of mountaineering enthusiasts do up there. It is the best kept secret in mountaineering. No one knows what the summit hides. There’s something special about the mountain breeze, a cold that chills your lungs, but I’m not so sure it’s good for your body. And as for leaving the city behind, you could also do that by going down a valley, or into a cave, or drinking some whiskey, all of which are less tiring than heavy climbing. However, people prefer to climb and say they’ve been there.
Most of those who crown the summit of a tall mountain feel like winners. When you visit them at home they will show you the photos. They reach the summit, gaze at the horizon, take a picture with their little fingers making a V shape, take a pee, and start the descent.
Equipment
Nevertheless, if you have never done it before, you have to try it. To do so you will need this equipment:
- Mountain boots. It is the type of footwear now worn by guys in suits to go to work.
- Warm clothing. Think of something with feathers or fleece, so ugly and so garish that it could restore sight to a blind man.
- Backpack. Expert mountaineer’s trick: keep it empty and take a load off your shoulders!
- Gloves. Indispensable. You may run out of food, money, and get stuck in the snow. And in that case you’ll have to rob a bank without leaving fingerprints.
- Maps. Don’t carry all that paper. Put them on a USB stick. I’m sure that your hiking partner, whose backpack is twice your height, has a damn printer inside. Google Maps doesn’t work in the mountains, I guess, unless you have a satellite installed in your ear. I don’t know, maybe talk to Musk.
- Flashlight. It is always essential to carry a flashlight. Just do not forget that, out of respect for the environment, leave the batteries out.
- Water bottle. Believe it or not, no one has yet piped water to the tops of the mountains, despite the fact that thousands of tourists strive to climb them every year.
- Sleeping bag. Carry it at all times. You never know when you’ll have to compete in a spontaneous sack race and you shouldn’t miss the opportunity to wow the world with your old college skills.
- Tent. Bring it along if it makes you happy. It is forbidden to pitch a tent and camp almost everywhere in the world, except on platforms inside tent shops.
- Food. Theoretically speaking there is plenty of food in the mountains. The problem is that it still has hair, runs fast, and bites.
It is impossible not to wonder what all those thousands of mountaineering enthusiasts do up there. It is the best kept secret in mountaineering. No one knows what the summit hides.
Summer Fauna
Certainly, summer mountain wildlife is a delight. And it is perhaps one of the greatest reasons to take up mountaineering. There are thousands of beautiful Swedish and Russian women who are fond of climbing mountains in summer. It is true that they are less attractive when armed with a dagger between their teeth, camouflage paint on their faces, and military boots, but great courtships throughout history have begun on the top of a mountain. Perhaps as many as have ended at the bottom of a valley.
Apart from blondes, you can also find birds of prey. They eat rats, snakes, and all the bugs that disgust you, so they have my deepest respect.
Snake Bites
If you are bitten by a snake, the best thing to do is to bite it back immediately.
Alternative Mode: Mountaineering by Car
The author of this short essay is the ideologist and promoter of a new trend that is rapidly expanding. It is about mountaineering in a 4×4 vehicle. Advantages:
- It’s faster.
- The bumps and stings are absorbed by the vehicle.
- You can lift your head and see the landscape without drowning.
- You don’t need to talk to the other climbers. Roll up the window.
- It is not necessary to wear your backpack, thus protecting your back.
- It trains your reflexes. Especially when stepping on the brakes at the edge of the abyss.
- You get the same result as any other mountaineer when you reach the summit: a pee and a picture. Just do it outside the car.
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