Nicolás Maduro has moved Christmas forward to Oct. 1 by imperial decree. Now I am just waiting for him to publish his conversations with St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary. I imagine the Holy Family in Nazareth quietly preparing their suitcases to leave for Bethlehem in a few weeks when suddenly they receive a call from the dictator: “By order of the Bolivarian revolution, I inform you that you must be ready to give birth to the Child God on Oct. 1. And instead of Bethlehem, he will be born in Caracas.”
The good Saint Joseph must be thinking what bad luck he must have that he should have to undertake a trip to Bethlehem because of Caesar’s taxes, that being the reason for which they have to register there — in addition to fulfilling the Old Testament promise. Now, even before overcoming the unforeseen, another socialist usurper has crossed his path and asked him to walk to Caracas in less than a month, where in addition to taxes there are expropriations and all kinds of outrages. (RELATED: The Spectacle Ep. 132: Venezuelan Fraud Is A Cautionary Tale For Americans)
In a solemn announcement to the Venezuelan people, Maduro has confirmed the Christmas advance as if he were an AliExpress Santa Claus: “For everyone, Christmas has arrived, with peace, happiness and security.”
Maduro’s idea of happiness is having to put up with a bastard who lost the elections and refuses to step down and abide by the results of the polls. Maduro’s idea of security is to have your children or any other relative kidnapped in your own house because someone has reported them for their presence in one of the demonstrations in support of the person who won the elections. Everything surrounding the Caracas mustachioed sperm whale would be funny if it were not so tragic. (RELATED: Maduro, Get Down From Your Tree and Scram)
In a prime-time televised masterclass, to confirm before the world how brutish he is, Maduro explained his theory: “Jesus Christ was the first anti-imperialist in modern history. Jesus was a young Palestinian. When he was crucified by the Spanish empire and the oligarchies that dominated the area, he died as a Palestinian man, he was resurrected as a Palestinian spirit.”
That is, in short, Jesus was a Palestinian boy crucified by the Spanish empire.
Maduro is about as wise as one, as defined by P.G. Wodehouse, whose “IQ was somewhat lower than that of a backward clam — a clam, let us say, which had been dropped on its head as a baby.” That enlightened find, that historical Christmas epiphany soon fell apart: Jesus Christ could not have been Palestinian because he was born 2000 years ago and Palestine did not exist.
He could hardly have been too anti-imperialist in the middle of the Roman Empire, and he could not have been of Modern History because his existence is framed in Ancient History. Nor could he have died as a Palestinian man and, in any case, he would have died as a Jewish man. But what is certain is that he could not be resurrected with a Palestinian spirit because spirits are not from any place. In any case, since God is one and triune, perhaps Maduro would like to refer to God as the Holy Spirit, who also does not come from Palestine since, as the creed points out, he “proceedeth from the Father and the Son.” And, as you may have suspected, Jesus could not have died at the hands of the Spanish Empire, because it was formed much later — in the 15th century.
Maduro, in short, knows as much about Christmas and what Christians celebrate on those dates as I do about the sexual habits of the nematocera. The strange thing is not that he has brought Christmas forward to October but that he has not banned it outright, like China and North Korea, or imprisoned Santa Claus as in some Islamic countries where the old bearded man is forbidden to go out in the street.
Maduro may make a fool of himself every time he tries to give a history lesson, or he may stumble with the grossest blasphemy when dealing with religious matters. But he must know something: His time is running out, and his only way out is to get out of there as soon as possible. Nobody wants him. But above all, Venezuela no longer wants him.