“Let us remember the wise words of Joseph Conrad: “The sea has never been friendly to man. At most, it has been the accomplice of human restlessness.” If, in the middle of summer, you pack 5,300 passengers and 1,700 crew members onto a 350-meter floating contraption, charge next to nothing for a ticket, and send it out to sea for seven days, the very least you can expect is a brawl. I don’t know why so many people are surprised by the recurring fights on Carnival Cruise Line.
The only entertaining thing to do on a bargain cruise packed with overweight, uneducated passengers, dazed by atrocious music, is to see how many people you can throw overboard. Proof that many tourists board with this in mind is that the last brawl, on August 7, happened not at sea but at the Long Beach cruise terminal. People were so eager to fight that they couldn’t even wait to get on the ship.
There’s an interesting debate playing out on social media. Some say these budget cruises are floating ghettos — and a quick look at the videos proves them right. Others, however, ask whether people with less disposable income should have to give up taking a vacation at all.
One of the great sociological mysteries of human history is why the poorest people always dream of copying the vacation habits of the richest — and do so whenever they get the chance. Most of those who sign up for these cruises think it must be wonderful because they once saw a millionaire supermodel on Instagram aboard a luxury cruise ship.
First, the distinction is important: her trip was probably a luxury cruise. Second — and more importantly — there’s no reason to copy the vacation habits of millionaires, because they’re usually dreadful. I’ve seen rich people bored out of their minds in the marina at Cannes, after oysters, champagne, and pawing at the backside of someone half their age. After a while on board, any rich person starts to get restless and irritable, eventually cursing their own lifestyle. Meanwhile, maybe just a few blocks away, the middle class is out with friends, sharing a few beers on some casual outing. I’ve studied the matter at length, and I’m convinced the middle class knows how to have the most fun.
But cramming yourself onto a low-cost cruise with 5,000 other people … robs you of the pleasures of being comfortably poor without giving you the perks of being comfortably rich.
The rich have too many constraints: security concerns, the need to do something expensive and exceptional, an obsession with never repeating themselves, indulging the strangest whims — and, perhaps most importantly, wealth does not guarantee good taste. Many of them board yachts simply to isolate themselves from the world they feel apart from. But cramming yourself onto a low-cost cruise with 5,000 other people not only fails to isolate you from anyone, it also robs you of the pleasures of being comfortably poor without giving you the perks of being comfortably rich.
I have a friend determined to get me on a cruise where our favorite artists perform every night. I told him I’d only go if I got to pilot the ship myself — though I’m not sure my modest recreational boating license would qualify me to handle that floating skyscraper. To persuade me, he told me that when the ship rocks violently in bad weather, the worst thing you can do is retreat to your cabin, where people are vomiting all over the hallways. The cafeteria, he claims, makes everything more bearable. After picturing his story about those hallways and cabins, I’m even more certain I won’t be joining him.
I dislike big-city life enough to know that a smaller “city,” with far greater population density, completely artificial, and floating on the ocean, could only be worse. “There is, one knows not what sweet mystery about this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath,” wrote Herman Melville — and that is why the sea is beautiful when viewed from afar, or from your own boat that you can quickly steer toward shore, but can be monstrous when contemplated from a floating prison.
I have nothing but respect for people who defend this brand of mass-market cruising. I suppose the world needs people with bad taste, too.
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