Prehistoric man started his development by learning to hunt. His next challenge was to try to get on an inflatable unicorn in the pool. Man’s repeated failure in the struggle with the unicorn changed human evolution and led to the birth of defensive limbs, particularly the hands, to try to avoid losing teeth against the edge of the pool.
My Experience With Unicorns
A journalist must be prepared for all dangers: Stepping into the mouth of a volcano, crossing a trench in war, chasing a snake, photographing a nuclear explosion, or asking Kamala Harris an uncomfortable question. Death is always close. I, without going any further, last year rode a unicorn in the pool. Thoughts of my family, my friends, the years I might have left to live ran through my mind. I thought about all of them and yet I did it because it was my obligation to experience it before sitting down to write these lines. (READ MORE from Itxu: The Adventures of Taking a Towel to the Beach)
My unicorn is about two meters in diameter and one and a half meters high, and my pool is four meters wide with an edge designed by the Islamic State to gradually end freedom of the press. The first thing I have learned is that, in the water, you can’t get on anything higher than your knees. Secondly, that trying to do so and not ending up exposed is impossible, no matter what kind of swimsuit you wear, and no matter what you tie it with, including the aquatic suspenders.
What I Have Learned
Archimedes’ principle says that a body immersed in a fluid at rest receives an upward force from below equal to the weight of the volume of fluid it displaces. This is false. Archimedes never tried to ride a unicorn. First, there is no such thing as a fluid at rest, unless it solidifies — like cement — and then it ceases to be fluid. Secondly, the other body is missing in the beginning. We already know that the unicorn pushes upwards, precisely so that you cannot climb up onto it, but then there’s me, pushing downwards, even though I am not displacing any fluids, you shouldn’t do that in a pool. Thirdly, Archimedes never took into account the evil character of the floating unicorn, which is a beast that enjoys seeing you suffer, that takes advantage of the slightest draft to break away just when you are just about to jump, and that has been invented to test the patience of swimmers, which is its only true vocation. (READ MORE by Itxu: How to Apply Sunscreen: A Handbook)
Size Matters
There are several sizes of unicorns on the market. In my experience, if it is too big, you will not be able to get onto it without the help of a ladder (this practice is deadly 99 percent of the time), and if it is too small, by Archimedes’ principle, it will sink a little, and immediately, the displaced fluid will be you. Ideally, you should buy one that is big enough for it not to sink, and small enough so that you don’t bounce too much on it when you jump in and end up catapulted out of the pool.
Human Nature
Man, by which I now mean the male, has five primary urges: hunger, thirst, sex, sleep, and climbing on things. There is only one of them that can be performed in the pool without resulting in death, and now I know that it is not climbing on things.
Risk of Explosion
One of the most unknown aspects of unicorn climbing is that in the attempt, there is a fairly high risk of float explosion. If the thing is very small, you come away with only a scare and a scratch, but if the thing is big, again Archimedes, you can be displaced at the speed of light in a vacuum, which could cause you to fall into the afterlife, now Einstein, on a real unicorn.
Unicorn Navigation
If by divine intervention you manage to get on (I managed it on the 10th attempt; the cause of divine intervention being my friend’s words: “Can’t you do it?”), once you get on, the normal thing to do is to sunbathe. But often the pool is not private and you may have to try to change course so as not to kill someone who is swimming. It is almost impossible to pilot a unicorn, but what I have been able to discover is that if you spin your feet, underwater, at high speed, as if they were propellers, the unicorn will not move as you want it to, but it will laugh its head off. It has a very funny laugh.
The Selfie
As everyone knows, there is only one reason in the world why man has been trying, since time immemorial, to ascend a floating unicorn. And that reason is, of course, to take a selfie. Since it’s impossible to climb a unicorn without getting your phone soaked, it’s best to get someone else to take it for you. It’s almost impossible to get the perfect angle. In any case, tell your friend to make sure the photo is suitable for minors. I took one myself — with which I intended to illustrate this article — and I had to censor it.
Getting Down
If you think the hardest thing in the world is to get on a unicorn without killing yourself, try getting off. The only way to get off a unicorn is to jump into the water, but the thing traps you in such a way that it’s impossible to be rid of it. I’m going to give you some free advice if you’re a guy: you’d better sink it before you try to jump. I tried to jump with that huge head between my legs and now I don’t understand why they warn us about smoking causing impotence when the really dangerous thing in this area is getting off a unicorn. I haven’t felt so much pain since the last time I saw a Maduro press conference. (READ MORE: Maduro, Get Down From Your Tree and Scram)
Selling It On eBay
The unicorn is a typical purchase that is very entertaining for the duration of the challenge whilst still a novelty. By the third day, you’ll realize that the damn thing takes up too much space in the pool, that it’s uncomfortable to sunbathe on, and that the adventure of riding it usually lands you in the hospital for shock, suffocation, or drowning. Then you will want to get rid of it.
Tell it to put on its best smile, wait for a nice day, and take the best picture you can of it in the calm pool water. Put it up for sale on eBay at half the original price. Believe it or not, millions of people dream every night of having one like this in their pool. If you want a faster sale, in the product description, add its story in first person: “Hi. My name is Bobby. I’m a floating unicorn. Fun, down to earth, a friend to my friends, and very cute. I turn your bathing experience into an unforgettable adventure. For children and adults. My bastard owner has threatened to puncture me and throw me away. I only have 40 hours left. I’m begging that you adopt me immediately to save my life. Sincerely, Bobby”.
Translated by Joel Dalmau.
Buy Itxu Díaz’s new book,