The year 2023 is gone, and good riddance to it. It was a year that saw an almost immeasurable amount of incompetence and political chicanery that, shockingly, was common even outside the Biden White House.

January

American companies removed Aunt Jemima from the syrup, Uncle Ben from the rice box and the American Indian gal from the butter box. Cities removed statues of Confederate generals and military bases changed their names. None of that improved the lives of American citizens or created world peace.

Sparkle Farkle’s husband, Prince Harry, achieved a new personal whining record writing his book, Spare. In it, Harry claimed that his brother, Prince William, knocked him down at some point and that he had “penile frostbite” during his brother’s wedding. Meanwhile, the Babylon Bee reported that Americans were shocked when Congress came to work four days in a row. Unable to choose a leader, House Republicans instead elected Kevin McCarthy to be speaker on the fifteenth ballot.

Not all the fun guys working for the Defense Advance Projects Agency (DARPA) are wild-eyed scientists with crazy hair. Well, ok, most of them are. This time they created a “warp bubble” that can theoretically enable travel — contrary to Einsteinian physics — faster than the speed of light.

At the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos, Switzerland — where the good and great gather annually to assure each other that they’re good and great — President Biden’s special climate envoy John Kerry said, “When you start to think about it, it’s pretty extraordinary that we — select group of human beings because of whatever touched us at some point in our lives — are able to sit in a room and come together and actually talk about saving the planet.” He added, “I mean, it’s so almost extraterrestrial to think about ‘saving the planet.’”

Not to be outdone, former Vice President Al Gore told the Davos grifters that greenhouse gases were, “boiling the oceans, creating these atmospheric rivers, and the rain bombs, and sucking the moisture out of the land, and creating the droughts, and melting the ice and raising the sea level, and causing these waves of climate refugees.”

As the month ended Wile E. Pelosi, no longer House Speaker, called exorcists to her California mansion to rid it of the demons that brought about her husband’s beating last year. They didn’t succeed as evidenced by the fact that she’s still in residence.

February

Biden ordered the shooting down of a Chinese spy balloon but only after it had flown over the whole country and sent all the intelligence it had gathered back to China. Other balloons were shot down over Canada, Alaska, and Lake Huron. The Air Force was unable to explain how, in the Lake Huron shoot-down, the pilot of an F-16 missed the slow-flying balloon with his first shot of a $400,000 Sidewinder missile.

The Navy provided the flyover for the Super Bowl, flown by all-female crews. Wasn’t that simply adorable?

After a train wreck in East Palestine, Ohio dumped toxic chemicals across the town, Rep. Ilhan Omar immediately called for justice for the Palestinians. Staffers for Sen. Dianne Feinstein, age 89, announced her retirement from the Senate. A few hours later, she asked reporters if she had really said that.

Comically-communist Sen. Bernie Sanders went on a book tour to sell his new book, “It’s Okay to be Angry at Capitalism” and selling tickets to his speeches for $95.

As the longest-ever February ended, Spanish Secretary of State for Transport, Isabel Pardo de Vera and the president of the state rail company, Isaías Taboas, both resigned after it was discovered that the commuter trains they had redesigned  — at the cost of $270 million — were too big to fit through the tunnels of northern Spain.

March

When a fierce snowstorm hit California, blanketing Los Angeles in white powder that wasn’t cocaine, Gov. Gavin Nuisance fled to Mexico on a “personal” trip to avoid the effects of global warming. A study revealed that a dog learns more from smelling another dog’s butt than a human can learn from CNN.

A phantom pooper has been haunting the Schubert Theater in New York City. He (she?) struck again, dumping a load next to Hillary and Chelsea who were attending a performance of Some Like it Hot.

The California legislature considered a bill to ban police dogs from use in arrests because of their, “racial bias and violence against black Americans and people of color.”

April

Bud Light beer made transgender “woman” Dylan Mulvaney a brand ambassador and sold cans with his/her/its picture on them. As the Babylon Bee noted, Bud Light is a drink pretending to be a beer featuring a man pretending to be a woman on its cans. Mulvaney then landed a gig, hawking sports bras for Nike and cosmetics for Maybelline.

NASA reported that the giant ice planet Uranus, which has more rings than Jupiter, was photographed by the Webb Space Telescope. NASA tweeted, “Uranus has never looked better. Really.” French riots against President Macron’s proposal to raise the retirement age from 62 to 64 culminated in rat catchers throwing dead rats at the Paris city hall which seemed redundant.

Rocco’s, a pizza joint in Corwin, Ohio, advertised its new “Elvis pizza” on Facebook. The “pizza” consists of crust, tomato sauce, “pizza cheese,” peanut butter, and bananas. Selling that in Noo Yawk City would be a felony.

The Babylon Bee reported that Budweiser researchers were trying to determine how many beers a guy would have to drink before he believed Dylan Mulvaney is a woman. A Senate subcommittee voted to replace Chairman John Fetterman with his chair because it made more sense.

May

Following up on the success Bud Light had after hiring transgender “woman” Dylan Mulvaney to star in an ad campaign, the U.S. Navy ordered Yeoman 2^nd Class Joshua Kelley — who goes by the name Harpy Daniels while in tranny drag — to recruit for it. Unsurprisingly, the Navy had the same success as did Bud Light.

In the Leeum Museum of Art in Seoul, South Korea, a hungry college student grabbed a banana that had been taped to a wall and ate it. He then taped the banana skin back on the wall. The piece of “art” — consisting of the banana and duct tape — was previously valued at $120,000. There was no report of whether the student eating the banana increased or decreased the value of the “art.”

Biden was given an honorary degree by Howard University because of his “analytical intellect” and “popularity on both sides of the aisle.”

Having let their fans down with “plus-sized” — i.e., fat — models, the editors of Sports Illustrated chose 81-year old Martha Stewart for the cover model of the magazine’s swimsuit edition. It also named Kim Petras, a transgender “woman,” as another cover model. A study reportedly showed that New York City is sinking slowly under the weight of idiotic government and of its trillions of tons of buildings.

Not content at killing its sales because of its adherence to the woke transgender marathon, Target Stores began marketing special products for trannies including swimsuits advertised as “tuckable,” to conceal male genitalia of transgender “women.” Target lost about $9 billion in sales in the week that followed.

The overly-long month ended when Hanoi Jane Fonda addressed the Cannes Film Festival on the subject of global warming. She said of the white men supposedly responsible for it, “It is a tragedy that we have to absolutely stop. We have to arrest and jail those men — they’re all men.”

June

The Royal Air Force was told that it should stop recruiting “useless white male pilots.” Yeah, like the guys who won the Battle of Britain.

At around the same time, the U.S. Air Force conducted a computer simulation of an artificial intelligence drone attacking targets. The drone reportedly killed its operators instead of the enemy.

Sweden declared that sex is a sport. The first European Sex Championship, hosted by the Swedish Sex Federation, was scheduled for June 8, with daily competitions scheduled to last six hours. There was no report on which of the exhausted competitors won. In other sports news, a Las Vegas strip club promised the Golden Knights pro hockey team that if they won the Stanley Cup, the team members would get free lap dances for life.

While President Biden declared that he was the “only candidate who could beat Ronald Reagan,” Chris Christie brought his chubbiness to the presidential race, vowing that he’d out-insult Donald Trump until Trump dropped out of the race.

After issuing a short statement commemorating the 79th anniversary of D-Day, Biden hosted 1,000 guests at the White House to celebrate gay pride month. One transgender “woman” bared “her” artificial boobs at the event.

The Babylon Bee reported that Biden assured American voters that our economy was as vibrant and healthy as he is.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un demanded that his people stop committing suicide because it was a crime against socialism. After finding a lot of fishy accounting in the books of the Scottish Nationalist Party, police arrested its former leader, Nicola Sturgeon.

Biden said, “We have plans to build a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean.” A couple of days later, he ended a pro-gun control speech saying, “All right, man. God save the queen.”

First Son Hunter Biden pled guilty to tax evasion and a gun-purchase felony, avoiding both jail time and a substantial fine. According to two IRS whistleblowers, Hunter had under-reported several millions of dollars in income and deducted tens of thousands of dollars in “expenses” paid to hookers and sex clubs.

When Noo Yawk Yankees pitcher Domingo Germán threw a perfect game against the Oakland A’s, California Gov. Gavin Nuisance blamed the A’s loss on climate change.

July

The Kennedy Center in Washington, DC staged a revival of the great Broadway musical 1776 for the July 4^th holiday with no men in the cast.  One actor said, “In our version here in 2023, we are a company made up fully of diverse female, trans, and nonbinary actors.”

On that same note, a transgender “woman” won the Miss Netherlands Universe contest and went on to compete in the Miss Universe contest. It gave a whole new meaning to “going Dutch.” About two weeks later Italy banned biological men from its female beauty contests.

After 66-year-old Antonio Avola, a school caretaker in Italy, was charged with sexual assault and admitting to groping a high school student, a judge ruled that the sexual groping/assault incident didn’t constitute a crime because it lasted ten seconds or less. Sexagenarian men across the U.S. awaited U.S. courts’ decisions on whether that precedent is binding here.

As the overly-long month ended, cocaine smugglers were reportedly dumping their product off U.S. beaches to have them picked up and delivered by co-conspirators. Their planning left something to be desired because thousands of sharks were eating the cocaine. The cocaine’s effect on sharks is unknown because nobody is sufficiently crazy to get close enough to sharks high on cocaine to study their behavior.

August

Nobody noticed or cared when Elon Musk renamed Twitter as “X,” except the city of San Francisco where its headquarters is based. The city forced Musk to remove a big “X” sign on the roof. It was, according to the Babylon Bee, apparently illuminating too many people pooping on the streets after dark.

Another Hunter Biden plea deal fell apart when the judge asked why it provided him with lifetime immunity from federal charges.

In Noo Yawk City, ice cream truck owners were told that they had to switch to eco-friendly power for their vehicles within three years, which is impossible because electric vehicles don’t have enough juice to get through a hot day. On a similar note, the Babylon Bee reported that an artificial intelligence robot was rendered an idiot after watching CNN for three hours.

House investigators said that President Biden used three pseudonyms — including Robert L. Peters (Robert.L.Peters@pci.gov) — and secret email accounts to conceal his business activities with his son Hunter. They demanded that the U.S. archivist produce all emails to and from the addresses to see how many idiotic gaffes they contain.

The Stoke Fruit Farm in southern England grows dozens of acres of sunflowers.  So many people were walking naked among the sunflowers to take pictures of themselves that the farm had to post signs warning against the practice.

Mr. Cornelius Martin tried to rob a Mini-Mart in Michigan with a boxcutter knife when he was shot by a customer. The customer reportedly wielded a pistol (legally) in one hand and a six-pack of Miller Lite, not Bud Lite, in the other. Not content to regulate gas stoves, water heaters and air conditioners, the Biden regime is trying to regulate ceiling fans and the amount people drink each week. Biden’s alcohol czar said that men are now supposed to limit themselves to two beers a week.

In a related report a Chicago news crew reporting on the robberies plaguing the city was robbed at gunpoint.

September

As gasoline prices again went over $4 per gallon, the Babylon Bee reported that White House Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre said that inflation was only affecting people who had to buy things.

Mr. Reza Baluchi was arrested by the Coast Guard about seventy miles off the Georgia coast. Mounted in a hamster wheel-like contraption, the marathoner was trying to sail (run?) to England. He was charged with sailing an unsafe vessel. Meanwhile, Kalamity Kammy said she was ready to take over as president after old Joe fades away.

October

First son Hunter Biden reportedly cheated on his affair with his sister-in-law with prostitutes he paid out of his daughter’s college fund. This is, as Joe Biden has told us repeatedly, the smartest guy he knows.

The Babylon Bee chose Dylan Mulvaney as its “Man of the Year.”

To steal a line from my pal Larry Thornberry — who stole it from P.J. O’Rourke — Republicans always complain that government doesn’t work and occasionally get elected to prove it. House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was unceremoniously tossed out and House Republican idiots took their sweet time replacing him. It was only by a small miracle that Democrat leader Hakeem Jeffries wasn’t elected speaker.

Redundantly proving the point, Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa) said Americans weren’t sending their best and brightest to Washington.

After Hamas terrorists attacked Israel, many idiots around the world demonstrated in favor of the terrorists. Typical among them was a mass of people who demonstrated on October 20 in India. Hundreds of them carried what they thought was the Palestinian flag. It was the Italian flag, which looks nothing like the Palestinian flag. Were it not for their demonstrators’ anti-civilization shouts, the demonstration could have been confused with a Columbus Day parade in New York.

Cher warned that she’d leave the United States if Donald Trump were elected in 2024, which is another good reason to vote for him. In a dissimilar report, a French nun tackled an environmental protester blocking the construction of a religious center. She may be drafted by the NY Jets or the DC Commies.

Texas Gov. Gregg Abbot tested the concept of cocaine-addled sharks swimming in the Rio Grande to guard the border. Unfortunately, the sharks couldn’t eat enough of the illegal aliens crossing the river to make a difference. Abbot vowed to import alligators from Florida for another test.

For the ninth straight year the Orkin pest control company awarded Chicago first prize as the most rat-infested city in the nation, not even counting the mayor and city council. Gov. Gavin Nuisance, apparently out of ideas of how to further ruin California, went to China for a refresher course under Prof. Xi Jinping.

November

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service were surprised that more than 50 people from nearby towns and farms showed up to speak against the USFWS proposal to release about 200 grizzly bears in the North Cascades National Park in Washington State, which reportedly has no habitat for them. The FWS bureaucrats couldn’t understand why people could object.

Mr. John Rote of Noo Yawk City was arrested for firing two warning shots in defense of a woman being mugged. Warning shots are never a good idea.

In another Noo Yawk report, the city’s garbage trucks — which double as snow plows in winter — will not be converted to electric vehicles. The trucks will remain diesel-powered after several test electric trucks couldn’t maintain the twelve-hour workload demanded of electric vehicles, crapping out after only a couple of hours.

In Chicago, at least 21,000 illegal aliens from Venezuela and other countries were demanding air tickets back to their own countries because conditions in Chicago were so lousy. NASA reported that a lost toolkit, priced at around $100,000, was orbiting the earth somewhere near the International Space Station. (READ MORE: America’s Immigration Implosion)

After its “Starship” rocket suffered a “rapid unscheduled disassembly” (i.e., blew up) Elon Musk’s SpaceX company proclaimed it a successful day. It was the second such successful day that SpaceX has had this year. In a related report, Biden said that California Gov. Nuisance would be a worthy successor to him.

About 42,000 Texans moved to California, apparently hoping to make California more like Texas. Good luck to them.

UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres backed a complete phase-out of fossil fuels and then climbed aboard an airliner to go to the “COP 28” meeting of climate-change grifters. As the month ended, the national Christmas tree emulated Biden by falling down and having to be propped up.

December

Mr. Christopher Boyd of Evansville, Indiana was a passenger in a car stopped because of an obscured license plate. Police discovered illegal drugs in his socks and taped to his scrotum as well as a small handgun carried, we assume uncomfortably, in his rectum.

Jordan’s King Abdullah told the COP28 climate chance conference that the Palestinians were “on the frontlines” of climate change and that the world needs to me “more inclusive” of them. Jordan has refused to take any Palestinian refugees in the Hamas-Israel war.

Russian President Putin announced he’s running for another six-year term. He’s a good bet to win given the fact that he’s jailed all of his possible opponents. Meanwhile, the New York Times named Dylan Mulvaney as one of the most stylish people of 2023. (READ MORE: Putin’s Nuclear Itch)

In Las Vegas Joe Biden — Mr. Amtrak — said his investment in rail funding was, “over a billion, three hundred million, trillion, three hundred million dollars.” To celebrate diversity, Boston Mayor Michelle Wu held a Christmas party from which white people were banned.

Hunter Biden joined Barbara Streisand in vowing to flee the United States if Trump is elected in 2024. Hunter may be unable to flee because he should be in jail by November.

Happy New Year to everyone. Buckle up. Two-thousand and twenty-four is going to be a very rough ride.