Back in the 1980s, maestro P. J. O’Rourke wrote a riotous piece in Harper’s called Ship of Fools. Our favorite satirist signed up for a Peace Cruise on the Volga River. He traveled aboard the Alexander Pushkin with a boatload of Nation subscribers. It must have been about as exciting as a lobotomy. He described the landscape as “a stunted, overgrown field, unplanted, without grass, without anything. I was surrounded by equally barren heads.” The plan was for everyone to lecture on peace, and the Soviets even sent along a few “peace experts” to help. The report was hilarious — mocking the geriatric far-left activists of the day, who sincerely believed they were visiting the world of the future.
Nearly 50 years later, the far left is still chartering ships. I didn’t need to sign up for the Global Sumud Flotilla to write this column; now the ships come equipped with webcams that stream nonstop, while each girl on board spends her days broadcasting live on TikTok — either spewing anti-Semitic rants, begging for money, or twerking to Caribbean beats.
Among the “eminent figures in international diplomacy” on the Global Sumud Flotilla, most of which has since been intercepted by Israel, was the great scientist Greta Thunberg — renowned expert on hot tempers. Greta had been furious at her hippie shipmates for joking around during what she insisted was a mission destined to change the course of humanity. I suppose Columbus’ voyage, compared to the Global Sumud Flotilla, was just a tiny, irrelevant footnote in history. Incidentally, Ada Colau — another activist and former mayor of Barcelona — looks exactly like Christopher Columbus, which may explain why they brought her along.
The flotilla’s “mission,” crewed by millionaire communists with a fondness for weed, was to break the Israeli naval blockade. To achieve this, they armed themselves with a handful of slogans that barely rhyme, giant poster boards scrawled with “Free Gaza,” and the military poise of Captain Greta Thunberg.
Earlier this month, the pagan procession set sail from Barcelona, proudly billing itself as “the largest humanitarian flotilla in history.” They lasted about 40 minutes before turning back, terrified of the waves. Half the hippies were seasick and then realized they had forgotten to pack enough Dramamine — earning the flotilla its new nickname: the Dramamine Flotilla. In reality, most of the boats just swapped places around the harbor, sailing long enough to film a decent TikTok story.
The flotilla’s activist-influencers have been spotted dancing, singing, and streaming live in a strange state of euphoria. Leading the charge is Spain’s Ana Alcalde — renamed “Barbie Gaza” — who faithfully chronicled every daily mishap online. Barbie Gaza, 46, converted to Islam after marrying a police officer in the Spanish enclave of Ceuta, with whom she has six children. She dances, shrieks, and sometimes streams herself sobbing when, say, the waves are too high — or when the crushed ice runs out for the mojitos.
The Spanish government — never one to pass up an opportunity to humiliate itself — suddenly announced it would send a Navy ship to “protect” the Marijuana Flotilla from possible Israeli attacks. The activists howled with joy, instantly declaring the war won as they imagined the Navy firing broadsides at Israel. Then the ship’s actual orders leaked to the press: Do not engage in combat, not even if Israel machine-guns the flotilla. Ha! Even as a ghost, Sánchez manages to be a coward.
Israel, meanwhile, has said it uncovered evidence in Gaza that Hamas helped finance the flotilla. There have also been defections among the activists — thanks to Islamists on board who were horrified by the festive customs of their comrades. Their indignation only deepened when they discovered many of the activists were LGBT. The Islamists drew a line: It’s them or us. To their credit, they didn’t toss anyone overboard — restraint they wouldn’t bother with in Iran.
Barbie Gaza even appeared live from the ship on Spanish television. Asked about the Oct. 7 atrocities, she dismissed the rapes as “Israeli hoaxes,” then topped herself in psychedelic disgrace by claiming one kidnapped woman actually felt ugly because she hadn’t been raped: “One even said she felt unattractive because they hadn’t done anything to her — they hadn’t touched her.” You might think Barbie Gaza is a lone lunatic. Wrong. She’s the template. This is the kind of person who opposes Israel.
Meanwhile, the last hours of the flotilla dragged on in deep melancholy. Trump has reached a historic peace deal with Israel. Dozens of countries — including Arab ones — support it. Hamas and the Palestinian leadership are considering it. And yet the flotilla, the Spanish government, and a few other fools stand firmly against it.
I hate to admit it, because I’ve grown oddly fond of these hippies, but without war the last remaining boat in the flotilla would have to return home. No more nights of drinking and debauchery along the Mediterranean coast. We can’t let that happen. No more last-minute hookups, no more Titanic poses at the bow — Palestinian scarf and dreadlocks blowing in the breeze. Worst of all, they’d have to get real jobs. We must abolish the slavery of iPhone hippies! My solidarity is with them. I sincerely hope Hamas comes to its senses and rejects Trump’s plan, if only to save the vacation plans of those aboard the last boat of the Global Sumud Flotilla.
And I hope it for our sake too: Because if that entire crowd comes home, they’ll go back to being a nuisance on dry land. And then I’ll be the one forced to escape to the ocean.