I find myself troubled and confused. Like most civilized people, I have been using toilet paper all my life, except for a few months when my parents alleviated my childhood motor-skills illiteracy with something called diapers. Toilet paper is my most trusted friend, my ally. That is, it was until today. The Washington Post has removed the blindfold from my eyes: We should definitely use the bidet.

The progressive press is waging a mysterious and subtle war against toilet paper. It is a global plot, probably hatched at a secret summit, which I have boldly dubbed the WC Summit. It must have been attended by the heads of the Washington Post, the New York Times, CNN, Reuters, and others. The first point of discussion was toilet paper: Everyone was against it. The second point in the meeting was to listen to the opinions of some toilet paper representatives; they sat three rolls around the conference table, but the rolls remained silent, accused of being in league with those who want to wipe out the planet. And the third and last point of the meeting was titled “War on toilet paper”: Everyone agreed.

Thus began an unprecedented blitz. I promise this is just a minuscule sampling: “Consumers’ use of toilet paper wiping out habitat, heating planet, report says” (Reuters, February 2019); “Americans Are Literally Flushing Canada’s Forests Down the Toilet” (Vice, February 2019); “America has never embraced bidets. The toilet paper shortage could change that” (Vox, April 2020); “It took a pandemic, but the US is finally discovering the bidet’s brilliance” (Guardian, April 2020); “U.S. toilet paper production is wiping out Canada’s boreal forest, report claims” (CBC, June 2020); “Why Bidets Are Better Than Using Just Toilet Paper” (Business Insider, March 2021); “We must stop flushing our trees down the toilet” (Independent, May 2021); “For A Gentle Toilet Paper Alternative, Consider One Of These 8 Bidet Attachments” (Buzzfeed News, March 2022); “There’s a Better Way to Wipe: With a Bidet” (New York Times, October 2022); “You need a bidet, but not for the reason you think” (Washington Post, April 2023); “I Tested 13 Bidets. I’m a Convert.” (New York Times, March 2023); “Toxic ‘forever chemicals’ found in toilet paper around the world” (Guardian, March 2023); “Now We Need to Worry About Harmful ‘Forever Chemicals’ in Our Toilet Paper Too” (Time, March 2023); “The movement to ditch toilet paper and bring bidets to Canada’s bathrooms” (National Post, June 2023); “Caught short: lack of recycled toilet paper in UK fuelling deforestation” (Guardian, June 2023); “The best bidets of 2023, tested by editors” (CNN, October 2023) — and it goes on.

Right about now you’re probably wondering what the hell is wrong with all these people. I’ll explain it to you. 

They want to do away with toilet paper, and they have failed in all their previous strategies: They have failed to convince us to stop wiping our asses after telling us that we were deforesting half the planet, and they have also failed to persuade us with their claims that the stream of water from a bidet provides a more pleasing experience than the paper; finally, in the Washington Post, they are now trying one final option: disgust.

Disgust is an effective psychological strategy. And the author of the article uses it in a very similar manner to the psychological terror of jihad. However, I have some allegations to make.

“People who wiped with toilet paper had an average of nearly 40,000 different viable bacteria attached to their gloves afterward.” So what, weren’t environmentalists in favor of life and diversity?

“It takes about 1.5 pounds of wood and more than six gallons of water to produce just a single roll of toilet paper.” Excuse me, do you wipe with wood? I don’t.

“Diseases can spread when fecal pathogens make their way into our mouths, so washing your hands thoroughly is 20 extra seconds well-spent.” Holy cow, how scary!

The truth is that they have still not convinced me. But I had a great time savoring the Golden Age of Journalism.

Oh, by the way, in the article I had to skip the “How to wipe after you pee” section, because I have a friend, Oliver, a great environmentalist and a nice guy, whose bidet lid slammed shut because of a draft while he was wiping after peeing. Since then we call him Olivia. Always in our hearts.

Translated by Joel Dalmau.